How to Deal with Blame – Ajahn Brahm, Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, Andrew Kirby, Coach Frederik Imbo

Ajahn Brahm
– If they call you a dog, look at your back side, see if you have a tail.
– Donkey hole farmer shake it off stamp it in and you’re a little bit higher.
– When you blame others you’re disempowering yourself. You’re giving your blamee the power.
– Don’t blame mistakes, you grow from them.
– Sandwich feedback, give complements until you feel their ears are open enough to take criticism and then close it with complements again.
– You decide what you want to put in spam and delete so keep your mind and take feedback like your inbox.

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Blame shifting Narcissist – Dr. Rhoberta Shaler
– They’re going to get your guard down to get info on you and then use it to hurt you. Observe their tactics and strategies.
– They’ll find ways to make you explain yourself. You don’t need to defend your name or explain yourself.
– When they create their own stories affirm yourself neutrally. That’s not the way I remember that. No that’s not how I see it. Talk only about yourself.
– They love saying I know you better than you know yourself. Oh no, I don’t believe that.
– Don’t express empathy or sympathy. Don’t apologise unless you were really wrong. Only apologise for the part you were wrong. Just stay calm and observe. Resist the urge to comfort them.
– More info on Narcissists here – Narcissism Series: Diagnosis, Their Weapons, Family Dynamic & Solutions

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Andrew Kirby
– When you get insulted, it’s outside of your control so you need to stop letting others take control of your mind.
– You don’t change your behavior and don’t keep thinking of why they said that or replies to what they said.
– 1: Internally: Do I value this persons opinion? If yes then you need to find out if there is some truth to it. If there is you need to accept and make changes if you want to. If it’s not true then the person is not rational. So you need to make the logical conclusion that it’s not worth wasting time on.
– 2: Externally:
– a) agree and amplify – yeah I know I’m ugly that even my dog runs away from me.
– b) ignore – see stoicism – 22 Stoic Principles to Live By – Marcus Aurelius Meditations Summarised

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Coach Frederik Imbo
1 – It’s about me. Do you want to be right or be happy? Look from the other person’s perspective. Change from me to we. Look at the other person’s intention. They’re late so they’re flashing at you or tailing you to move over. They got an important text so couldn’t focus on your presentation. They have something going on in their lives.
2 – It is about me. It’s hit my insecurity. Maybe I was driving slowly. Maybe I was dragging the presentation. There is some truth in it. It could be rooted in your childhood.
3 – Takes a 20 note and chews it up. Then throws it on the floor and stamps on it. It didn’t stop being a 20. Whatever they do or say … You always keep your value.

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