Deep Inner Game with David DeAngelo and Dr. Paul Dobransky – DVD 3 (Summary)

Links to the full summary series
DVD 1 | DVD 2 | DVD 3 | DVD 4 | DVD 5 | DVD 6 | DVD 7

High Ethic/High Character
– Fixing part of your psychology to be your best and do your best. Be well experienced and able to master anger and anxiety.

Now he mixes the spectra mentioned in the previous DVDs and creates an X-Y graph. E.g. Intuition on top, Conscience bottom, Education left, Experience right. This way you can see where you are and what kind of person you want to aim towards being.

Time Management = intellect + boundary function which budgets your “time” (currency of the intellect).

He has many more of these formulas in his Mind OS book and brushes on things I’ve talked about in my boundaries article.

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Emotional Energy – The last bit of all psychology
– Stress comes to you but if you have equal or more self-esteem then it won’t affect you.
– Anger and sadness are the same emotion and they’re the opposite of anxiety. He stresses the importance of using your own words if his don’t work for you.

– Both anger and anxiety are signs that you need to take action to turn them into well-being and confidence respectively.

– Well-being is very nurturing, filling your tank, pampering which is motherly. Confident energy is about action, risk, loss, change and is fatherly. A good balance of both is needed. (Paras note: I went through a juggernaut phase where I called it switching from thinker vs. doer). See how you can reparent or self-parent yourself here – Self-Parenting / Reparenting ​for Personal Growth, Correcting Wrong Conditioning, Forgiving Toxic Parenting & Healing Childhood Trauma
– Someone with durable high self-esteem will not be depressed for too long.

Stress
– If hurt gets into your boundary it will create anger and if loss gets in then it creates anxiety.
– Saying no to these stresses is the remedy. If they break through to the boundary then we have to master them. Then you can master any kind of emotion.
– Talks about a reply to getting rejected in a rude way and how you can tell the person that you wish they have a better day as they’re self-esteem seems to be low.

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1 – Anger
– You have to figure anger out by building a map and know the territory. How every act of aggression, anger, etc. has played out in your life.
– It goes to one of the two – hurt or loss.
– You could notice that in your boundary your needs are not getting met. It would be good to list your needs. Your well-being being topped up will remedy the hurt.

3 Possibilities of the Anger
1) No action which leads to depression/sadness.
2) Destructive decision or aggression. (win-lose).
3) Constructive decision or assertiveness (win-win).

– The depression will fill up in your tank. You need details of your needs being met. Once you realise you may get angry but remember anger is better than sadness. Then you can take action. Which is where you make a DECISION.
– So to remedy it with a constructive decision, you have to use your observing ego and catch yourself in the act.

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Mothering
– Being assertive is mothering yourself. You meet your needs.
– A man who knows how to mother himself will not need a woman to mother him. (Paras note: Remember after a certain point in a male’s life he has to move from boy to man and may need some kind of initiation rite to ‘earn’ it or ‘bury’ the boy.) A boy will throw tantrums and have emotional issues. They talk about ‘the boy must die’. My personal story here – The Boy Must Die (for the Man to Emerge)
– When the boy goes he gets a new set of responsibilities, he says goodbye to his childish ways.

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2 – Anxiety

There are only 2 causes of anxiety:
1) Loss or the threat of loss.
2) Being low on confidence.

You can only do 3 things with anxiety:
1) Impulsiveness – You’re passive with it and let it run you.
2) Masochism – Oh poor me. Always happens to me.
3) Courageous – Face the music. Take it by the horns.

– The impulsiveness can go into over-spending, over-eating, addictions.
– When you want to act, just think first and see what your anxiety needs you to do.
– On the other end the masochism is victim thinking. Other things that happen here are worry, regret, hopelessness. Remind yourself that you are never helpless.
– The masochism can bring negative momentum to your life with the anxiety > masochism > loss cycle. This cycle multiplies because you keep worrying or regretting about the incident. It’s called cognitive distortion and is an illusion. In extreme cases medication can help but we just need to stop whining and complaining by catching ourselves using the observing ego.

Recommended Reading
– The Modern Neurosis Handbook: A Guide to Coping by Andrea Sarvady