Never Get Angry Again by David J. Lieberman (Summary)

Never get angry again – A foolproof way to stay calm and in control in any conversation or situation.

How to Manage Your Anger with a Tracker – Understand Your Triggers, Patterns and Solutions

Summary:
– The first thing is perspective, like a child who lost a toy would have lost the whole world but the parents know it is much less significant. Time is the best perspective.

3 Forces or Choices
1 – You can choose what feels good. Excessive overeating or sleeping.
2 – You can choose what makes you look good. Making jokes at someone else’s expense.
3 – You can choose to do what is good or right. Make responsible choices. Helps gain self-esteem and self-control.

– If we routinely give in and not do the right thing, we become angry with ourselves.
– Studies show that our tendency to avoid the pain inherent in taking responsibility for our lives is at the core of anger, and is central to nearly every emotional ailment, including anxiety, depression, and addiction. (The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth, Losing Control: How and Why People Fail at Self-Regulation, Character Strengths and Virtues: A Handbook and Classification).
– Anger is easily triggered when we focus on our own pain and how difficult life is for us.
– A person who lacks self-esteem may indulge in things to satisfy only his own desires, and he will not treat others particularly well (a product of an arrogant mentality) or cater to others for approval and respect with no care of personal needs (doormat mentality).
– The lower the self-esteem, the weaker the connection to our true selves—the soul—and to the true selves of others—as such, our ability to give love and to receive love erodes. We suffer. Our relationships suffer. Everyone suffers.
– The greater our self-esteem, the less quick we are to take offense because when we love ourselves:
(a) we don’t assume that someone’s actions mean he doesn’t respect us; and
(b) even if we do come to that conclusion, we aren’t angered, because we don’t need his respect in order to respect ourselves.
– We don’t become angry because we are scared or in pain. Mountain climbing and horror movies can be painful and scary but also fun. So traffic issues and bad bosses are not the problem, it’s control. Or that we were not in control of what just happened.
– Legitimate shame is to alert us that we have fallen below our potential. But as the ego makes up for unresolved shame we experience a counterfeit shame (I’m less if YOU think I’m less). Rejection hurts because it feels like genuine shame. Another type of misplaced shame is where we feel responsible for the behaviour or others and some of this started in childhood with conditional love.
– Anger tries to redirect control but instead we spiral out of control and become weaker with every anger-driven thought or action.

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Stress/Threat Responses

Assertive aggressive (fight): We come out fighting attempting to control the situation overtly.
Passive aggressive (flight): Anger leaks out in more subtle ways. Unable to confront directly, we seek control stealthily.
Surrender or Suppression (flight): We are unable to consciously acknowledge our anger, so we control it by either
(a) telling ourselves that we are not worthy of asserting ourselves or
(b) suppressing our emotions and telling ourselves that we are not angered to begin with.
Immobilization (freeze): Feeling powerless, we close down to insulate ourselves from the pain. I can avoid. I can shut out the world. I will be safe. I will be in control. Paras note: There is another one I learned recently which is fawning where people try to please someone so as to avoid the drama/threats.

– Focusing on our passion for what is right, rather than on our disdain for what is wrong, will help us to see more clearly and to act more responsibly.

No one ever walked away from an argument and thought, I wish I had gotten angrier, I would have been able to handle myself so much better.

– Biochemically, anger makes us dumb, adrenaline is produced which makes blood flow away from the brain, including oxygen and muddles our thinking.
– Being right becomes more of an emotional priority than doing what is right. We act against our own best interests because, unconsciously, we need to prove to ourselves and to others that we are victims.
– Intense anger produces a sense of euphoria like extreme sports. The more one lives in accord with the soul, the less need for anger to feel alive.

“If you plan on being anything less than you are capable of being, you will probably be unhappy and angry all of the days of your life.” – Abraham Maslow

– An emotionally immature person, one with low self-esteem (or a child, perhaps), becomes agitated over every little thing that goes wrong. Meaning fills our lives with pleasure and douses the flames of suffering.
– Simply appreciate what we have. When we are egocentric, we become angry and frustrated with life for disappointing us. Our expectations are never met, and we’re consumed with thoughts of what we lack and what is owed to us.

“Once we realize how much our reality depends on how we view it, it comes as less of a surprise that our external circumstances predict only about 10 percent of our total happiness.”

Pain acts as a fulcrum. It doesn’t move us, but it gives us the opportunity to respond in one of three ways:
1 – we can choose to avoid or dull the pain with endless distractions and excessive indulgence;
2 – we can fortify our false self and become indignant, to compensate for feelings of weakness and vulnerability; or
3 – we can act responsibly, accept the outcome, and seek meaning in the experience. If we see and accept a difficult reality then the pain pierces the ego.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Viktor Frankl – Man’s Search for Meaning

– If we fail to act responsibly (responsible choices increase self-esteem), all pain swells into suffering, and all suffering (which we don’t see as challenges) gives birth to anger. We sink lower and destroy ourselves from the inside out until we allow the self-correcting mechanism of pain to penetrate our shell and steer us in a healthier, more responsible direction.
– Life’s challenges are not equally distributed to everyone, but the power of choice is the great equalizer.
– You can have faith or trust. Trust exists independently of our mood or emotional state. Fear breeds anger, trust turns off fear (Talks about our trust in God).
– An individual who controls himself recognizes that he doesn’t control the world, and so he is not anxious. The foolish quest to control that which is beyond his control will only lead to lose more control.
– If we are in pain, then recognize that this is a moment to be in pain. If we process the experience with patience and compassion then we move more swiftly to acceptance. If not, then we become filled with self-pity or false shame, we delay acceptance and add an unnecessary layer of suffering. False shame declares our pain is justified because we are unworthy of good and of happiness.
– To fully accept ourselves, we need to make peace with our past and plan for our future. Jung stated that every part of the personality we don’t love will become hostile to us.
– You don’t care who knows, who finds out, and you certainly don’t let it hold you back. Your fears dissolve because there is no longer the threat of exposing your real self to yourself, or to others. You become free because you are shame free, and with this freedom, you become anger free.
– If I want to go from Point A to Point B, I first need to acknowledge that I’m at Point A. Then I can move to Point B. One must first fully experience what one is before recognizing all the alternatives of what he may be.

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” – Carl Jung

– We feel annoyed by traits in others that we ourselves possess. If we accept a failing in ourselves, seeing it emerge in another evokes great empathy, because we know just what this person is going through.
– We will inflict pain upon ourselves — completely self-destruct, if we must — simply to be in control of our own pain and traumas. Making our pain predictable and known.
– The quality of our lives is directly proportional to the amount of responsibility we willingly accept for what we can control. In every instant, you have a say in what happens. Ask, “What is within my control right now that will help me to value who I am? To remind, myself that I am a person of dignity and worthy of self-respect.”
– A parent becomes angry with the child, and so the child naturally concludes that there is a flaw within himself. Enter, shame. He translates his parent’s anger into, “I am unworthy of his love,” which soon becomes, “I am not worthy of being loved.”
– We are already whole. We have always been whole. It never occurs to us as children that maybe it has nothing to do with us.
– Ask, “What kind of person would I be today, if I were treated differently as a child?” Whoever that person is, is who you really are.
– Frame the situation by a different ending. Like The Sixth Sense, in the end they person also saw ghosts because they were dead too and didn’t know it till the end. A woman lived a happily married life and nothing changed apart from the 30 seconds in the end where she was told the partner pretended all those lovely moments because he was paid to do so.
– Research shows that forgiveness not only restores positive feelings toward the offender, but also, “may spill over beyond the relationship with the offender, promoting generalized prosocial orientation.” Unresolved anger from a soured relationship will seep into our other relationships.
– Biofeedback shows an instant increase in stress when a person has anger-producing thoughts or recalls memories of insult or resentment. Correspondingly, feelings of forgiveness instantly lower stress levels, producing a host of chemical and neuromuscular changes in the person. Forgiveness is directly correlated to a person experiencing less anxiety, stress, and hostility, as well as fewer symptoms of depression, and less risk of alcohol and substance abuse. It is positively associated with five measures of health: physical symptoms, medications used, sleep quality, fatigue, and somatic conditions.
– When a person gives, he loves the person he gives to even more—and so he plants love, and it grows. Every positive emotion stems from giving and flows outward from us to others, whereas every negative emotion revolves around our taking from others.
– We are inclined to dislike others more after we do them harm because we are unconsciously driven to distance ourselves emotionally in an attempt to reduce the cognitive dissonance. The internal conflict we create is, Why did I do this to this person? The justification must then become, It must be because I really don’t like him and/or he deserves it! Otherwise, we are forced to consider the possibility that perhaps we are not such good people or act unfairly and unjustly. This principle works in reverse, too. We like people more after doing something nice for them.

“He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.” – Benjamin Franklin

– Even if we want nothing to do with this person, we will still find it highly useful to forgive, because forgiveness allows us to let go of the past and ease our lives forward. If they’re not alive do something in their memory – give to a charity, perform an act of kindness, plant a tree, bring flowers to the grave. We need to do something, anything, to reinforce our desire to let go and to move on.
– When you’re angry with yourself, you’re more prone to bang into things or knock them over. We unconsciously attempt to get back at ourselves for making a decision that we have remorse over. We must be able to forgive ourselves for the damage we’ve done to others and to ourselves.
– MRIs show why self-compassion helps us self-regulate. When we show warmth and compassion to ourselves, we elicit neuroaffective responses similar to those stimulated by an encouraging, supportive other. In addition, the more forgiving you are of your own setbacks—when you let yourself down—the easier it will be for you to forgive others when you feel they let you down.
– Indulging his despair is the height of irresponsibility, well beyond whatever act led to feelings of guilt in the first place.

The 6 Phase Protocol (to say sorry)

Humility and Respect
It’s not about us, it’s about the other person. We should ask permission before we speak to him and perhaps even prior to initiating personal contact—via a note or intermediary—if the relationship is severely strained. We can try again another time. We almost don’t have to say anything, as long as the other person sees that we’re doing everything possible to make things right again.
Be Accountable
It’s important for us to take full and complete responsibility for our actions. No blame shifting or excuses.
Sincerely Apologize
Actually say the words I’m sorry. Ensure that sincerity comes across.
Be Willing to Accept—and Even Offer—Consequences
You’re willing to face and accept all consequences of your actions.
Make Things Right
Let the person know your plan and progress. You are obligated to work on the character flaw or emotional issue that led to our hurtful actions.
A Painless Game Plan
Let the person know that he has full power over how things proceed, that he is in control every step of the way.

– If the other person has no interest in reconciling, perhaps it’s best to let things be.
– Terror management theory explains that we deal with the fear of death and the resultant anxiety in one of two ways. When we live full, robust lives, we tend to embrace our values and beliefs—whatever brings meaning into our lives. Known as the mortality salience hypothesis, it promotes self-regulation. Alternatively, if we already have one foot escapism, we pacify our fears by further indulging ourselves—in anything from chocolate to extravagant vacations. This is known as the anxiety buffer hypothesis.
– The Achilles’ heel of anger control lies in how we manage our fears.

Questions to ask yourself:

What do I want out of life?
What would you do if you could not fail?
What would you do if you didn’t have the problems that you have?
What would you do if you had all the money that you ever needed?
What would you do if no one would ever find out/if everyone would find out?

– Findings reveal that people with conflicting goals worry more, get less done, fewer positive emotions, more negative emotions, more depression and anxiety and physical sickness was higher. The more the goals conflicted, the more the people got stuck, unhappy and unhealthy.
– The gap between where we are and where we want to be (instability) – is breeding ground of anger. The extent to which we live responsibly and meet our obligations—in accordance with the soul, rather than ego—shapes our initial perspective. When we have self-respect, we optimize our relationships and interpersonal interactions: we don’t take things personally; we forgive and apologize with ease; we see others’ points of view; we are not prone to anger or offense or inclined to jealousy or envy; we can empathize, see the good in others, and judge favorably; and certainly, we don’t need to be right. The more frustrated we feel with ourselves and in our lives, the more readily we become annoyed by others. Indeed, the person who is going nowhere in life often seems the most bothered by slow-moving traffic.
– We must commit. Nothing will become of our lives until we decide what we want out of life and are prepared to make a profound commitment to that decision.
– Living authentically allows the false identity and fears to dissolve.
– We bemoan these emotional vampires who drain our life’s blood and exhaust our time, money, and energy, but these relationships provide the necessary soil for us to develop our full potential.
– A person with low self-esteem has difficulty maintaining healthy relationships and people in our lives with low self-esteem can wear on our emotional heath, despite our best efforts to work on ourselves.

Good fences make good neighbors.

– If a person does not have a clear definition of himself, he is unable to recognize what is proper between him and others. Healthy boundaries are not created to keep people out, but rather to define our space and our sense of personal responsibility.
– Our mind-set largely depends on our expectations.
– We can’t let unwell people draw the boundary lines, for our own emotional health, we must make every effort to maintain the best working relationship possible.
– Only when we react to another’s cruelty with similar behavior do we move to a mode of dependence, and to suffering. We must act and interact responsibly by moving the ego out of the way. That’s it. If we act out of anger, we will suffer. We cannot get around this. Guilt and shame will seep in, our ego deploys to fortify our response, and all the while, our self-esteem and emotional well-being slowly melt.
– If, however, we do everything that we can, when we can, for as long as we can, to have the healthiest relationship possible, and it’s still not enough, then we may experience sadness over the broken state of the relationship, but we remain whole—emotionally and spiritually intact, undivided by guilt, shame, or resentment. In no way does this mean that we become a doormat and welcome every intolerable person into our lives. Ego negation means that we bring our true self out and into our relationships, with the singular goal of taking responsibility and being responsible. Whether that takes us deeper into or further away from a particular relationship is not at issue. Doing the responsible thing is. Our willingness to do what is legitimately required to foster healthy relationships ultimately gives us peace—allows us to remain whole—regardless of the outcome. Moreover, each time we rise above our nature for the sake of peace, we fortify our wholeness, because all acts of giving refresh our emotional reserves and boost our self-esteem.
– An obligation to the truth at times supersedes a transient peace, even when it will cause friction. Those who would recklessly or sheepishly sacrifice the truth will lose both truth and peace – and instead be full of anger and resentment.
– If we become frustrated because someone else simply doesn’t get it, we’re behaving even more irrationally than he is. The other person can’t help himself, but we know better and can choose to end this exercise in futility.
– We would do well to abandon the belief that we are only one perfectly crafted sentence away from showing this person that he is wrong and we are right.
– When dealing with someone like this, we need to muster up as much empathy as possible.
– Because of porous boundaries, he will try to take things that don’t belong to him without compunction—our time, our energy, our attention— in much the same way that a thief would take our money or possessions. We need to remember that words are rarely enough, and we will find it futile, time and again, to merely state, ‘Please do not cross this boundary’. The same applies to physical boundaries. If we don’t want someone to break into a sensitive area, such as private building, we put up a fence and install an alarm; we might even remind the would-be thief that trespassing is a punishable crime—and spell out the exact penalty. We wouldn’t put up a sign that says, DO NOT STEAL. Those who respect boundaries don’t need it, and those who do not won’t respect the sign. To set boundaries with unhealthy people, we cannot tell them what to do. Rather, we must tell them how we’ll respond if they breach our boundaries. To be certain, we don’t have to convey this harshly or bluntly— to the contrary. With kindness and compassion, we want to explain our boundaries and the consequences for violating them with unacceptable behavior.
– If we become angry we move to a state of dependency, because someone “causes” us to respond in a way that we do not choose. Unpleasant circumstances in general, and difficult people in particular, push us toward an irrationally charged reaction. Choosing to respond calmly, irrespective of our negative emotional state, epitomizes mental health. Giving in is really the other person taking.
– Responding to conflict with acceptance is the healthiest response. See and accept the situation for what it is and don’t allow his emotions to dictate his response. Retreat is typical of passive-aggressive individuals, who withdraw to avoid confrontation but gets back at the person in another way, at another time. Surrender often reflects codependency and a doormat or compliant personality type. The one who suppresses his anger is unaware that it is eating him up inside. The anger manifests into myriad physiological and emotional issues. The fighting response produces direct, unhealthy conflict. If one’s emotional state is fragile and the circumstance too overwhelming he may shut down in an attempt to shut out the pain.
– We must learn to express ourselves in a way that optimizes how the other person will hear what we say. Approach the person with humility and respect, and calmly communicate how we feel without necessarily assigning blame or assuming a malicious intent. But say something because resentment is the biggest killer. It’s frozen anger from the past that continues to rear its head. If we don’t speak up when necessary, we may act out in inappropriate ways.
– Research shows a direct correlation between body language and the release of hormones. Higher levels of testosterone increase feelings of confidence, while lower levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) reduce anxiety and improve your ability to deal with stress. In just two minutes of maintaining a high-power pose—which is open and relaxed—hormone levels shift dramatically, with a 20 percent increase in testosterone and a 25 percent decrease in cortisol. Stand with feet apart, hands on hips, shoulders back. Holding this stance for just two minutes offers immediate results, because you will be physiologically primed and inclined to assert yourself with greater ease; and practicing this pose several times a day can increase our confidence levels in the long-term.
– You can preface with this icebreaker – “I’d like to talk with you about an important issue, but I’m concerned that you might get upset with me for bringing it up.” Wait until you’re both in a positive mood, so you both have the capacity to give. When we’re in a bad mood we me it difficult for the other to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. Remember HALT – Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tried are bad times.

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Ten Steps To Ego-Free Communication

They Don’t Care What You Know, Till They Know That You Care
Let the other person know you’re saying this because you care about him and your relationship.
Privacy, Please
Always express yourself in private. Do it behind closed doors.
Always Begin with Praise
First, emphasize the person’s many good qualities and remarkable potential, to pave the way for him to hear your point with equanimity.
Depersonalize the Impact
Comments and critiques should address the act, not the person.
Accidents Happen
Don’t assume or insinuate that this behavior is something that he’s doing knowingly, consciously, or deliberately. Approach it as something he’s doing unwittingly, or even unconsciously.
We’re In This Together
Share some of the responsibility, if you can. The approach of shared responsibility makes it you and him against this “thing”—not you against him.
Identify the Problem, and Put Energy into the Solution
You’re Not Alone
Convey that whatever he has done or is doing is very common and even something that you’ve done yourself. He won’t take it so personally.
Speak Softly and Forget the Stick
Be calm and pleasant. Speaking softly and politely will help the person digest your message in the manner you intend. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman reports, “Ninety-six percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen-minute interaction. A harsh startup dooms you to failure. The rule is, ‘If it starts negative, it stays negative.’”
Far and Away, Then Bomb’s Away
The best time to criticize is when you are distanced from the event in proximity and in time. Being removed from the environment and putting time between the event and your criticism produce quite different results from speaking up immediately. By waiting a few days, you reduce his ego attachment to the situation, and he feels less sensitive to criticism. But the closer to the event (in both time and proximity) that you criticize, the more he identifies with his behavior, and the more defensive he will become.

– Difficult people are not in our lives to add to our woes but to help us, and we need to realize this, or they will keep coming around again and again.
– “What lesson can I learn from this person?” While we remain in “blame mode,” we are not solution-oriented and therefore can’t see, let alone investigate, ways to improve the situation.

8 Principles To Change The Foundation Of A Relationship

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
There are aspects of ourselves that we dislike, and we project our own disdain with these qualities onto others. We believe (albeit unconsciously) that others must see these faults and dislike us as well.
Tell a third party what it is that you genuinely like and respect about this other person. Once the person sees your admiration, the barriers of hostility will begin to break down. It is hard to dislike someone who not only likes us but also respects us.|
Reciprocal affection – We tend to like someone once we are told that they have the same feelings for us.
Let Them Give to You
People actually like us even more when they do something for us. This is due to the following two reasons:
(a) Whenever we invest into anything we care more about and feel more connected to the recipient of our giving.
(b) When we allow others to give, they feel better about themselves because giving reinforces the feeling that they are in control and independent.
Show Your Human Side
When you show your vulnerability, a wall between yourself and the other person dissolves, and empathy emerges; that person is then driven to respond to your needs as if they were his own. Self-enhancement behavior – when we tell and show the other person how accomplished and wonderful we are, so that they will like us. When you’re dealing with a person who is insecure and feels threatened, self-deprecating behavior is the optimum approach. This admission shows humility, honesty, and trust.
Recognize That Like Attracts Like
We connect more with people who are similar to us and have similar interests. People who go through life-changing situations together tend to create a significant bond. When you speak to this person, talk about what you both enjoy and what you have in common.
Show Genuine Enthusiasm
Smiles are the most contagious emotional signal of all, having an almost irresistible power to make other people smile in return.
Say a Few Kind Words
One kind word in the bank is worth a hundred after the fact. Sixty-nine studies show that the most successful tactic was to make the other person feel good about themselves. Express your admiration, respect, or appreciation for something specific.
Be an Ally
If someone has made a mistake, reassure them that it could happen to anyone, and tell them they shouldn’t be so hard on themselves. If you acknowledge that they’ve made an insightful point, and validate their feelings, you have everything to gain, even if you disagree with them.
Either Side of the Aisle
Objecting to a person’s ideology does not usually give you the permission to sever the relationship, or to hate the other person. With each disrespectful comment or disapproving glare, each side feels even more justified in disliking the other. It is this cycle of disrespect that gives way to ingrained hostility. The root of the conflict could be tolerable, even manageable, but because of the charged atmosphere, the two parties often allow their relationship to deteriorate to the point of no return. You can reverse the situation by showing complete respect despite the other’s comments and attitude. If you treat a person well in spite of how badly they’re treating you, then they have to reconcile why they’re being rude and intolerant to somebody who is kind and respectful. Guilt reduction – a person will do almost anything to eliminate feelings of guilt.

– After extensive research on the subject, it turns out that expressing anger is not only unproductive, but also destructive. Multiple experiments confirm that fits of rage are more likely to intensify anger. In turn, our anger flares, and our self-justification increases our aggression. When we hold on to anger, we suffer; and the more we unleash it, the more it consumes us.
– Facial feedback hypothesis, – the subjects who restrained their emotional expression (e.g. frowning) reported feeling less disgusted afterward than control subjects did. Our minds seeks to reconcile our behavior with our emotional state, that how we express ourselves must be a result of how we feel about the situation. Our external actions mold our emotional world. Change undesirable behaviors by identifying and substituting them with more positive and healthier behaviors. Not only is the symptom being treated, but the behavior modification can also alter the person’s personality from the outside in.
– While the mind creates emotional reactions, these are reinforced in the brain. For instance, if we become upset at someone who treats us impolitely, we will likely react more strongly the next time we encounter a similar situation, because the neural connection between rude people and our anger has been strengthened. Whatever we repeat strengthens the neuronal connections.
– Learning a new response—such as remaining calm when in the face of insult or when we feel otherwise disrespected, anxious, or out of control—stimulates the associated neurons to grow extensions (dendrites) to connect with one another. Underused connections gradually deteriorate and eventually fade. A person can thereby fuel the self-control coffers by maintaining control, or unwittingly deplete his capacity to restrain himself with willful, repeated, prolonged outbursts of rage.
– Repetitive action reconfigures our brains once the neural pathways are bombarded for twenty-one consecutive days. Sixty-six days of continuous activity to ingrain a new habit into our physiology. With sufficient repetition, the new behavior becomes automatic. Other research suggests that the brain requires focused repetition for six months for neuroplasticity to effect complete change, so that we instinctively respond differently. However long it takes, this doesn’t mean that we won’t experience slipups after this point. Yet it does mean that we will have a physiological advantage in every situation right from the start.

“A gentle response turns away anger; a harsh response increases anger.” – King Solomon

Visualization has an amazing ability to transform us because the subconscious mind can’t distinguish between imagination and an actual happening. The same regions in the brain activate when the person simply imagines the experience. Repetitive action patterns also have long-term neural consequences. If we imagine ourselves responding in a certain way, it reshapes our self-concept and produces the same changes in the brain that the actual behavior does. Mentally rehearsing a calm, patient response, for instance, will help our brain reset itself and can accelerate our ability to maintain self-control, even under the most daunting of circumstances.
– Availability heuristics – shows that people often base their self-concept on availability, or how easily they can bring information to mind. Think of several times when we acted calmly and could recall these events quickly, then we would see ourselves as someone with self-control.
– We can become more at ease in asserting ourselves. By rehearsing those times when we stood up for ourselves and expressed our thoughts in a calm and clear way, our memory will be flush with these scenarios, and our self-concept will shape itself around this persona and prime us to behave in this way. Simply recall five to seven times that you asserted yourself and string them together to create a vivid sixty-second “movie trailer” that you can play in your head several times throughout the day, and at those times when you need a turbo boost of assertiveness.
– We must visualize what our lives will look like five years, ten years, or in old age if we don’t change our ways.

“… what matters, when it comes to self-control, is not so much willpower as vision—the ability to see the future, so that the long-run consequences of our short-run choices are vividly clear. In that sense, our shortcomings in this arena are really failures of imagination.” – We Have Met the Enemy: Self-Control in an Age of Excess, Daniel Akst

– Reaffirming our core values—knowing what we are living for and who we are (a soul, not a body or an ego)—is the strongest factor in replenishing strength of will.
– The calmer we are in ordinary times, the easier it is for us to control our anger in difficult times.

Factors

Meditation
People who meditated for about thirty minutes a day for eight straight weeks had noticeable increases in gray-matter density in the prefrontal cortex. At the same time, MRI brain scans showed a reduction of gray matter in the amygdala, a region responsible for anxiety and stress. Other findings show that meditation promotes overall psychological health, with benefits that include enhanced confidence and greater self-control, empathy, and self-actualization, as well as decreased anger in high-intensity situations.
Adrenaline & Exercise
Caffeine activates the body’s fight-or-flight response, triggering the release of adrenaline and cortisol just as it would for any stressful situation. Glucose – when we eat foods high in sugar or refined carbohydrates, blood sugar spikes and then sharply decline, which then stimulates the adrenals to regulate blood sugar levels. A single serving of a sugar-sweetened beverage caused adrenaline levels to double in adults and quadruple in children. Those who suffer from obsessive/compulsive disorder (OCD), panic attacks, and anxiety may find relief with a diet low in refined sugars and simple carbohydrates. Anger-prone moments require the mental muscle of self-control or willpower which utilizes glucose. We are most susceptible to losing our temper when glucose levels are low or not metabolized properly. A diet rich in complex carbohydrates, healthy fats, and proteins helps to reduce the fluctuation of glucose levels, and thus tilts physiology in our favor. Even a single session of exercise can have a robust prophylactic effect against the buildup of anger. However a person should not exercise while they are angry because it can triple the risk of a heart attack within the first hour.
Deep Breathing & Progressive Muscle Relaxation
A daily five-minute breathing and muscle relaxation routine will be beneficial to raising your overall anger threshold. Slowly tense and then relaxing each muscle group and progressively working our way up the body.
Wholesale Visualization
Imagine moving through your day anger free and the impact that has on various aspects of your life and relationships. What do you look like? How do you feel about things? What are you saying to yourself? What is your environment like? Has it changed? Who are the people you are surrounded with? How are they looking at you? What are they saying to you? How do you react and interact with them? Now take a moment and step back into your own body, feeling both calm and energized about who you can become.

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The Perceptual Positions Exercise

Find a quiet place where you can relax undisturbed. Close your eyes and get comfortable.
Recall an experience that you feel anger about.
This is where you consider the situation from your own perspective, through your own eyes, as if you were looking at the other person and/or scene. How are you behaving? How are you feeling? What do you see? What do you believe about the situation? Feel the effects on your body: the tightness, the physical tension, and the accompanying feelings— and simply observe.
Next, zoom out and view the situation as if you were an observer, replaying the scene once more. Talk to yourself and think about why “this person” is so angry. As we know, anger is rooted in the themes of fear and control. Ask yourself: What exactly am I afraid of? What is the underlying fear behind the anger? What need of mine is not being met? Spend as much time as you’d like examining your behavior and underlying motivation.
Now we will integrate a brief relaxation exercise to help us own our revised feelings. Feel your body and breathe (bring in the two exercises in the previous chapter on deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation).
Come back into yourself and spend a few moments appreciating your choice to do something about the anger—to release it rather than to let it define you and confine you. Smile.

The Movie Exercise

Find a quiet place where you can relax undisturbed. Close your eyes and get comfortable.
Picture yourself sitting alone, inside of a movie theater, front row and center. The screen is frozen on the first frame of the movie and it is in black and white. The first frame is a picture of you in a situation where you were previously angry. You are about to relive this moment with two (visual and auditory) differences: (1) from another vantage point and (2) with an incongruent, amusing soundtrack.
Imagine that you’re floating out of your body and into the projection booth, so that you can see yourself (from the back) inside of the cinema and watching the screen ahead. Take a moment to take in the scene—how you’re sitting, the clothes that you’re wearing.
Now replay the memory on the screen ahead while listening to an amusing soundtrack, such as a cartoon theme or of some comedic melody. Pay attention to not only the screen, but to yourself watching the screen.
When you get past what is the worst of this experience, freeze the film. Float inside the movie and view everything through your own eyes, replaying it as above with the incongruent soundtrack. Afterward, run the movie at high speed, then again backward, in color, with you experiencing it in the first person. You will see everything happening in reverse; people and things will walk, talk, and move backward. The same soundtrack will play backward at top speed and the whole movie will be over quickly. Replay the scene again, and this time more quickly; and then again with the last replay taking no more than five seconds.
When you reach the beginning of the movie, black out the screen.
Repeat steps 5–8 once or twice more, until you feel little or no anger toward the person or the experience.

– When we know our triggers, we can limit the number of times we wind up facing anger-provoking scenarios.
– Research concludes that people who most successfully exercise self-control usually set up their lives to minimize temptations during the day.

PROTOCOL: LEVEL 1
First, we interrupt the anger-producing pattern to stop the stimulus–response cycle from becoming more ingrained. Second, relies on muscle memory—no brains necessary! Pause, smile and calm ourselves by breathing deeply. Whether you are thinking about a situation, or you’re in a situation that is anger or fear provoking, simultaneously smile, take a long, deep breath, and move your attention to your breath. Unclench your jaw, drop your shoulders, and just focus on your breathing. That’s it. (You need only smile ever so faintly—particularly if you’re in the actual situation—as you don’t want others to think you’re being smug or disrespectful.) It is important to emphasize that our attention is on our breath, becoming mindful of how it fills our lungs and then is released gently and slowly. Typically, an anger-provoking thought or situation narrows our focus to the source of discontent.
Feel the joy (and personal power) when you choose to remain calm (or at least in control of yourself). Joy infuses a positive emotional charge into the action of self-control, energizing our success and animating the new and improved neural network.

When all is said and done (or better, when all is not said and not done)

PROTOCOL: LEVEL 2: IF YOU CAN THINK: WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU TALK TO YOURSELF
You cannot force yourself to think, I am calm, and I don’t care. If we feel angry, we must own that—but which part of us is angry? We FEEL angry, but it’s not the real us so instead acknowledge, My ego is hurt. My ego is scared. Don’t ignore the pain, but rather take a moment to remind yourself that you are not in pain, your false self is.
Then ask yourself honestly and lovingly:
(1) What need of mine is not being met? Or perhaps, What am I afraid of?
(2) What is my objective right now?
(3) What can I control right now?
(4) What can I say or do to find a solution or to better the situation?
Fear begins to dissipate the moment we begin to examine it.

– The anger response is a programmed response that can be set off automatically. The chemical released by my brain surges through my body and I have a physiological experience.
– Within 90 seconds from the initial trigger, the chemical component of my anger has completely dissipated from my blood and my automatic response is over. If I remain angry after those 90 seconds have passed, then it is because I have chosen to let that circuit continue to run. Moment by moment, I make the choice to either hook into my neurocircuitry or move back into the present moment, allowing that reaction to melt away as fleeting physiology.
– Take a few moments each morning to reflect on who we are, what we are living for, and why. This helps focus your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors on what is important so that distractions and potential frustrations fall naturally into proper perspective.
– Think of someone you’re grateful for. Now let them know it in detail.
– Go for a grateful walk and appreciate your environment and nature.
– Put aside a montage of gratitude with pictures, quotes, thoughts, people, events, memories, etc.

“Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices.” – Benjamin Franklin

“I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.” – Abraham Lincoln

– Even though we repeatedly become angry at the same people in the same situation time and again, our ego acts as if each situation were new and unexpected—setting us up each and every time.
– If the forecaster predicts a snowstorm and you are planning on a picnic at the beach, you’re not living in reality, and you’re setting yourself up for utter frustration and disappointment. A wise person would plan on a different activity. At least you will walk out of the house with a scarf and gloves rather than sunblock and flip-flops.
– It will be an imperfect day. You are an imperfect person, living an imperfect life, and things in your day will be imperfect—and that’s all okay. A perfect opportunity for you to develop a greater sense of emotional resiliency, self-control, and self-respect. Show the world that you are in control of yourself, and in the process, improve almost every aspect of your life and your relationships.
– Today someone might do something that makes no sense—something completely illogical and irrational. Expect it.
– Becoming anger free must be your number-one priority and track your progress. Science shows tracking and being specific with the goal helps a lot. Tracking doubles success and a goal increases success by 42%. Review your statement regularly and state it out loud several times a day. Sending weekly updates to loved ones will double the rate of success. (Paras note: I found the opposite for myself, the more I talked about my success the less successful I was. Usually relapsing right after a celebratory session.) Next, you don’t want to reconsider your commitment even for a special occasion because more than likely you’ll never regret not getting angry or tell yourself that you should have gotten angrier. Even if it’s that 1% when anger may be a good answer, you’re not in the mind frame to make that choice. Have a time-frame and extend it more with success.
– You are more inclined to reframe the situation and seek solutions rather than to focus on the problem.

“Do not be eager in your heart to be angry, for anger resides in the bosom of fools.” – King Solomon

– A wise person stores his anger out of reach.

5 Main Measurable Components of Anger

Frequency: How often do you get angry?
Duration: How long do you stay angry?
Intensity: Using a scale from one to five can help quantify your feelings.
Trigger; Certain situations that trigger you faster. Identify the underlying fear at the root of the episode in order to work through it.
Expression: What did you do with the anger? Did you choose to express yourself more openly and honestly? Were you able to contain yourself and calmly exit the situation? Which of the 3 below was it?
(1) feeling anger in the moment;
(2) acting out of anger with aggressive expression; and
(3) resentment from unresolved anger.

The bottom line: Do whatever is necessary to avoid rage—the uncontrolled expression of anger.

Note: A strong impact on our emotional stability, severe mental illness, including anger management issues, may result from serious trauma or a genetic disposition. This mental state could affect a person’s basic life functioning so significantly that his or her thoughts and behaviors fall outside the scope of genuine choice. Just as some people are physically disabled, others are emotionally impaired through no fault of their own. They neither choose nor cause their sickness, and to label them lazy or selfish is not only reprehensible, but mistaken. The tools and techniques in this book have shown to be life transforming for many people, but others will benefit from the direct guidance of a mental-health-care professional.

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Contents
Introduction

PART I
THE REAL REASON YOU ARE SO ANGRY
1. How Perspective Takes Shape
2. Angry with Ourselves, Angry at the World
3. Isolated from Ourselves, Disconnected from Others
4. Step Right Up and Choose Your Reality

PART II
THE COST OF LIVING, THE PRICE OF ESCAPING
5. Why Smart People Do Dumb Things
6. A Fight to the Death
7. Reality Isn’t Going Anywhere
8. The Meaning of Pleasure, the Pleasure of Meaning

PART III
MAKING SENSE OF PAIN AND SUFFERING
9. Here Comes the Pain
10. Why Good Things Happen to Bad People
11. Staying Sane in an Insane World

PART IV
MAKE PEACE WITH THE PAST, FOR GOOD
12. Planes of Acceptance
13. Trauma, Tragedy, and Triggers
14. It’s Not Too Late to Have a Happy Childhood
15. My Apologies, Please

PART V
HOW TO LOVE BEING ALIVE
16. A Date with Destiny
17. Becoming Extraordinary
18. Escaping the Trap of Procrastination

PART VI
RECLAIMING OURSELVES AND REDEFINING OUR BOUNDARIES
19. Redrawing the Lines with Boundary Breachers
20. How to Talk to People Who Don’t Listen
21. Speak Now, or Forever Be in Pieces
22. Successful Relationships with Impossible People

PART VII
ADVANCED PSYCHOLOGICAL STRATEGIES TO LIVE ANGER FREE
23. The Power Of Neuroplasticity
24. Change Your Self-Concept, Change Your Life
25. Taking Advantage Of The Mind/Body Connection
26. Getting Real With Meditation And Visualization
27. In The Heat Of The Moment
28. The Magnitude Of Gratitude
29. The Anger Games
30. Game Day

Special Note To Readers
Acknowledgments
Endnotes

More links

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