Disarming The Narcissist – Surviving & Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T. Behary (Summary)

You may have heard the term “narcissistic injury.” This refers to the dynamic wherein, for a narcissist, saying a simple “I’m sorry” is like saying, “I am the worst human being on earth.”

Checklist (only check off traits that are expressed excessively)
– Self-absorbed (acts like everything is all about him or her)
– Entitled (makes the rules and breaks the rules)
– Demeaning (puts you down and is bullyish)
– Demanding (demands whatever he or she wants)
– Distrustful (is suspicious of your motives when you’re being nice to him or her)
– Perfectionistic (has rigidly high standards; things are done his or her way or no way)
– Snobbish (believes he or she is superior to you and others; gets bored
easily)
– Approval seeking (craves constant praise and recognition)
– Unempathic (is uninterested in understanding your inner experience or unable to do so)
– Unremorseful (cannot offer a genuine apology)
– Compulsive (gets overly consumed with details and minutiae)
– Addictive (cannot let go of bad habits; uses them to self-soothe)
– Emotionally detached (steers clear of feelings)
More than 10 meet the criteria for overt maladaptive narcissism.

Narcissists are often self-absorbed and preoccupied with a need to
achieve the perfect image (recognition, status, or being envied) and have
little or no capacity for listening, caring, or understanding the needs of
others. This self-absorption can leave them without a true and intimate
connection to others—one that offers a feeling of being understood and
being held safely and lovingly in the mind and heart of another person.

Theories of Origins
The spoiled child: His parents may not have adequately taught him how to manage or tolerate discomfort. He may have been utterly indulged.
Checklist:
– Speaks as if he or she is superior to others, whether in terms of looks,
intelligence, accomplishments, or other regards. (Example: “After all, I do have an Ivy League education.”)
– Expects special attention from almost everyone or acts as though the
rules don’t apply to him or her. (Example: “What do you mean, I have to wait to be seated?!”)
– Interrupts others when they are speaking, assuming that his or her
words are of much greater import. (Example: “No, no, the real issue is…”)
– Prone to temper tantrums or avoidance when he or she can’t figure
something out or things don’t go his or her way. (Example: “What do you mean you didn’t make the reservations? I insisted on going to Cafe Grande!”)
– Speaks in long-winded monologues and views himself or herself as an
expert on everything who should not be interrupted. (Examples: “What I think is…” “My opinion is…” “So, as I’ve told you,…blah, blah, blah.”)

The Dependent Child: Instead of teaching and encouraging the child to develop age-appropriate skills for managing tasks and social interactions, his parents may have done everything for him.
The Loney, Deprived Child: His parents may have expected him to be the best, instilling the message that being anything short of perfect meant he was flawed, inadequate, and unlovable. In response to this profound emotional deprivation, manipulation, and control, the child develops an approach to life characterized by such principles as I will need no one, No one is to be trusted, I will take care of myself, or I’ll show you.
The Mixed Bag: People come by their character as a result of a combination of factors, rather than a single factor.
Spoiled-dependent: Parents were always waiting on him and rescuing him instead of helping him develop the necessary skills of self-reliance and functionally appropriate dependence.

Deprived-dependent: Easily offended. Discreetly seeks out others to protect him from shame about his defective, lonely, and inadequate self. Needy and hypersensitive, rather than demanding and showoffish. He may show signs of being addicted to self-soothing behaviours, such as working, spending, gambling, pornography, overeating, and so on. You might refer to him as a high-maintenance type.
Checklist:
– Constantly fishing for compliments, recognition, and favours; feels
insecure and inadequate underneath the appearance of a sturdy facade. (Examples: “So you really liked what I did, didn’t you?” “Looks good on me, don’t you think?”)
– Demands explanations and clarification in conversations; often feels
that people are trying to hurt, humiliate, or take advantage of him or her. (Examples: “What exactly are you saying about me?” “Are you calling me a liar?” “So now you think nothing I do is good enough?”)
– Turns on you or hides when frustrated or hurt; feels entitled to
protecting his or her ego through attack, distraction, or consumption. (Examples: “How dare you!” “What can I expect, given your limitations.” “I’ll show you.” Works excessively, overeats gets overly busy with projects that never get completed, compulsively surfs the Internet, drinks too much has affairs, spends excessive amounts of money.)

His personal longings and hardships are typically well concealed beneath a cloak of success, power, competitiveness, righteousness, or some combination thereof. He might be the glory seeker, the contester, or the perennial master of ceremonies. Perhaps he is always ready to rescue the damsel in distress, to persist in proving a point of view until you scream uncle, or to entertain you with name-dropping, storytelling, or a litany of clever and impressive metaphors. However, his emotional illiteracy, due to his detachment and hyperautonomy, limits his capacity for empathy or precludes it all together.

Asking him to tune in to your world, he’s likely to suddenly become the amazing Houdini, disappearing before your very eyes. He may literally walk away in the middle of your sentence or announce an important “something” that he must get to right away. They love the sound of their own voice but don’t have the ability to hear yours.

The narcissist’s reactions are swift and diverse. He may try to make you feel foolish and unreasonable for making a request or voicing a complaint by putting you down for your “silly” emotional needs. He may talk over you with an insistent (and avoidant) soliloquy on the differences between apples and oranges, wants and needs, Plato and Aristotle, Democrats and Republicans, or any number of other non-sequiturs. A narcissist in a coping mode is essentially hiding.

Their Mantras
– I will need no one. More for the male’s self-affirmation.
– You owe me. More the the female and is recurring.

Covert Narcissism
Now and then, narcissists show up in camouflaged packaging and proceed
to impress you with grandiloquent, if subtle, nobility. These morally self-righteous martyrs are forever pointing out the “right” and “wrong” way of living in the world. They are forever differentiating themselves from “prejudiced people” and those who are “selfish and lazy.” Quick to the rescue, covert narcissists are eager to find solutions to all of your problems. They will spout their philosophy on the salvation of your soul— speaking with “should” and “must,” “always” and “never,” and “all or nothing” and proclaiming how the world would be a better place if people
just paid attention and followed the rules (their rules, of course!). He might say, “Sure, I could talk about the ten-thousand-dollar donation I made to the humanitarian foundation, but I’m not that kind of person. I don’t need praise for my philanthropic calling.” In time, resentment and frustration about his giving and doing, and lack of continuous praise, jiggles the tightrope of his seemingly tidy and stoic disposition and down he falls, landing upon whomever happens to be in his path.

Healthy Narcissism (Including Checklist)
Not all narcissism is bad. Healthy narcissism contains the seeds of assertiveness and self-respect. Narcissism occurs on a wide spectrum of the human condition. Parents also want their children to gain an appreciation and respect for the rights of others. And they must attempt to do all of this against the backdrop of the many unsolved mysteries of parenting, their
own lingering issues, and their child’s unique temperament. This can surely be a challenging and possibly daunting task for any parent.
Checklist:
Empathic: They are attuned to the inner world of others.
Engaging: They are charismatic, socially literate, and interpersonally companionable.
Leadership: They can conceptualize a purpose or a vision and can formulate a direction when collaborating with others.
Self-possessed: They are confident and rigorously committed to generosity and authenticity.
Recognition seeking: They are fueled by positive approval and motivated to make a difference.
Determined: They can push beyond dense briars of opposition.
Confrontational: They hold others accountable, but without assassinating their souls.
Wisely fearful: They can discern between reasonably disquieting solicitation and destructive seduction.

A home is a place where a set of different destinies begin to articulate and define themselves. It is the cradle of one’s future – John O’Donohue

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Therapies
Cognitive Therapy: Cognitive therapy calls for an examination of the meanings we attach to the people, places, and things in our lives. It provides, through a wellwoven tapestry of concepts and strategies, a means for correcting the biased assumptions that are often connected to our negative emotional experiences and self-defeating patterns of behavior. In terms of narcissism, cognitive therapists facilitate a collaborative process by which the narcissist develops a more accurate repertoire of ideas, beliefs, and predictions, replacing the distorted thoughts that have been embedded in his mind in regard to self, others, and the future. Emphasis is placed on paying attention to self-talk and testing the reality of often biased inner dialogues. More info here – CBT.
Schema Therapy: There are eighteen early maladaptive schemas that show up in adulthood as dysfunctional life themes. Also referred to as buttons or life traps. When fundamental needs were not met in early life, schemas can be beliefs or cognitions and also involve emotional, physical and temperamental elements. Your reactions and decision making can be influenced by events and emotions of the past.

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18 Early Maladaptive Schemas:
1. Abandonment/instability. Involves the sense that significant others will not be able to continue providing emotional support, connection, strength, or practical protection because they are emotionally unstable and unpredictable (for example, prone to angry outbursts), unreliable, or erratically present; because they will die imminently; or because they will abandon you in favour of someone better.

2. Mistrust/abuse. The expectation that others will hurt, abuse, humiliate, cheat, lie, manipulate, or take advantage. Usually involves the perception that the harm is intentional or the result of unjustified and extreme negligence. May include the sense that you always end up being cheated relative to others or that you are getting the short end of the stick.

3. Emotional deprivation. The expectation that others will not adequately meet your desire for a normal degree of emotional support. There are three major forms of deprivation:
A. Deprivation of nurturance: absence of attention, affection, warmth, or companionship
B. Deprivation of empathy: absence of understanding, listening, self-disclosure, or mutual sharing of feelings from others
C. Deprivation of protection: absence of strength, direction, or guidance from others.

4. Defectiveness/shame. The feeling that you are defective, bad, unwanted, inferior, or invalid in important respects or that you would be unlovable to significant others if exposed. May involve hypersensitivity to criticism, rejection, and blame; self-consciousness, comparisons, and insecurity around others; or a sense of shame regarding your perceived flaws. These flaws may be private (for example, selfishness, angry impulses, or unacceptable sexual desires) or public (such as undesirable physical appearance or social awkwardness).

5. Social isolation/alienation. The feeling that you are isolated from the rest of the world, different from other people, and/or not part of any group or community.

6. Dependence/incompetence. The belief that you are unable to handle everyday responsibilities in a competent manner without considerable help from others (for example, take care of yourself, solve daily problems, exercise good judgment, tackle new tasks, or make good decisions). Often feels like helplessness.

7. Vulnerability to harm or illness. Exaggerated fear that imminent catastrophe will strike at any time and that you will be unable to prevent it. Fears focus on one or more of the following: medical catastrophes, such as heart attacks or AIDS; emotional catastrophes, such as “going crazy”; or external catastrophes, such as elevators collapsing, being victimized by criminals, aeroplane crashes, or earthquakes.

8. Enmeshment/undeveloped self. Excessive emotional involvement and closeness with one or more significant others (often parents) at the expense of your individual identity or normal social development. Often involves the belief that you cannot survive or be happy without the constant support of the enmeshed other. May also include feelings of being smothered by or fused with others. You may feel a lack of sufficient individual identity. Often experienced as a feeling of emptiness and floundering, having no direction, or, in extreme cases, questioning your existence.

9. Failure. The belief that you have failed, will inevitably fail, or are fundamentally inadequate relative to your peers in areas of achievement (such as school, career, or sports). Often involves beliefs that you are stupid, inept, untalented, ignorant, lower in status, less successful than others, and so on.

10. Entitlement/grandiosity. The belief that you are superior to other people, entitled to special rights and privileges, or not bound by the rules of reciprocity that guide normal social interaction. Often involves insistence that you should be able to do or have whatever you want, regardless of what is realistic, what others consider reasonable or the cost to others. Also common is an exaggerated focus on superiority (for example, being among the most successful, famous, wealthy) in order to achieve power or control (not primarily for attention or approval). Sometimes includes excessive competitiveness toward or domination of others: asserting your power, forcing your point of view, or controlling the behavior of others in line with your own desires—without empathy or concern for others’ needs or feelings.

11. Insufficient self-control/self-discipline. Pervasive difficulty or refusal to exercise sufficient self-control and tolerate frustration to achieve your personal goals, or to restrain the excessive expression of your emotions and impulses. In its milder form, you may experience a tendency to avoid discomfort: avoiding pain, conflict, confrontation, responsibility, or overexertion—at the expense of personal fulfillment, commitment, or integrity.

12. Subjugation. Excessive surrendering of control to others because you feel coerced—usually to avoid anger, retaliation, or abandonment. There are two major forms of subjugation:
A. Subjugation of needs: suppression of your preferences, decisions, and desires.
B. Subjugation of emotions: suppression of emotional expression, especially anger.
Usually involves the perception that your desires, opinions, and feelings are not valid or important to others. Frequently, there is a tendency toward excessive compliance combined with hypersensitivity to feeling trapped. Generally leads to a buildup of anger, which can lead to passive-aggressive behavior, uncontrolled outbursts of temper, psychosomatic symptoms, withdrawal of affection, acting out, and substance abuse.

13. Self-sacrifice. Excessive focus on voluntarily meeting the needs of others in daily situations at the expense of your own gratification. The most common reasons are to prevent causing pain to others, to avoid guilt from feeling selfish, or to maintain the connection with others perceived as needy. Often results from an acute sensitivity to the pain of others. Sometimes leads to a sense that your own needs are not being adequately met and to resentment of those who are taken care of. (Overlaps with the concept of codependency.)

14. Approval seeking/recognition seeking. Excessive emphasis on gaining approval, recognition, or attention from other people, or fitting in, at the expense of developing a secure and true sense of self. Your sense of self-esteem is dependent primarily on the reactions of others rather than on your own natural inclinations. Sometimes includes an overemphasis on status, appearance, social acceptance, money, or achievement—as means of gaining approval, admiration, or attention (not primarily for power or control). Frequently results in major life decisions that are inauthentic or unsatisfying, or in hypersensitivity to rejection.

15. Negativity/pessimism. A pervasive, lifelong focus on the negative aspects of life (pain, death, loss, disappointment, conflict, guilt, resentment, unsolved problems, potential mistakes, betrayal, things that could go wrong, and so on) while minimizing or neglecting the positive or optimistic aspects. Usually includes an exaggerated expectation—in a wide range of work, financial, or interpersonal situations—that things will eventually go seriously wrong, or that aspects of your life that seem to be going well will ultimately fall apart. Usually involves an inordinate fear of making mistakes that might lead to financial collapse, loss, humiliation, or being trapped in a bad situation. Because potential negative outcomes are exaggerated, chronic worry, vigilance, complaining, or indecision frequently characterize your behaviors.

16. Emotional inhibition. The excessive inhibition of spontaneous action, feeling, or communication—usually to avoid disapproval by others, feelings of shame, or losing control of your impulses. The most common areas of inhibition involve inhibition of anger and aggression; inhibition of positive impulses (such as joy, affection, sexual excitement, or play); difficulty expressing vulnerability or communicating freely about your feelings, needs, and so on; and excessive emphasis on rational wisdom while disregarding emotions.

17. Unrelenting standards/hypercriticalness. The underlying belief that you must strive to meet very high internalized standards of behavior and performance, usually to avoid criticism. Typically results in feelings of pressure or difficulty slowing down, and in hypercriticalness toward yourself and others. Involves a significant impairment in pleasure, relaxation, health, self-esteem, sense of accomplishment, or satisfying
relationships. Unrelenting standards typically appear in three forms:
A. Perfectionism, inordinate attention to detail, or an underestimate of how good your performance is relative to the norm.
B. Rigid rules and “shoulds” in many areas of life, including unrealistically high moral, ethical, cultural, or religious precepts.
C. Preoccupation with time and efficiency, so that more can be accomplished.

18. Punitiveness. The belief that people should be harshly punished for making mistakes. Involves the tendency to be angry, intolerant, punitive, and impatient with those people (including yourself) who do not meet your expectations or standards. Usually includes difficulty forgiving mistakes in yourself or others because of a reluctance to consider extenuating circumstances, allow for human imperfection, or empathize with feelings. Jeffrey Young, PhD. Unauthorized reproduction without the written consent of the author is prohibited.

Schemas Triggered by Narcissists
– Self-sacrifice: It’s tough to ask for what you need without feeling unworthy or guilty. Narcissists make it even tougher. You can get torn between feelings of guilt and resentment.
– Subjugation: It’s difficult to be assertive when it comes to your personal rights and opinions. Narcissists can be intimidating, forcing you to bury your anger or denying you your point of view.
– Abandonment/instability: Because you are so fearful of being rejected or alone, you will put up with the limitations and tormenting behaviors of your narcissist.
– Defectiveness/shame: Because you feel inadequate and undesirable, you easily buy into the criticisms that are hurled at you by the narcissist, taking the blame and feeling it’s your fault when he’s unhappy with you. You often feel that you need to fix yourself.
– Emotional inhibition: With this schema, you are in the habit of keeping your feelings to yourself and are stoic and overly controlled when it comes to your emotions. The narcissist can have emotional outbursts, while you stand by in silent, invisible sorrow.
– Emotional deprivation: With this schema, you don’t believe that you can find someone to meet your emotional needs, to really love you and understand you, to protect you and care about you. The narcissist lives up to your expectation. You are sad, but this is familiar.
– Mistrust/abuse: With this schema, your relationship with the narcissist when he’s in his hurtful or abusive mode feels like a reenactment of the past. You know how to put up with it, and it feels impossible to fight it. Even when you try to fight, you usually end up giving in.
– Unrelenting standards: With this schema, you try harder and harder to be the perfect partner, friend, sibling, or employee, because you believe that this is expected of you. You compromise pleasure and spontaneity in an effort to live up to the narcissist’s standards.

Schemas Associated by Narcissists
– Emotional deprivation: No one will ever meet his needs and love him for who he is. Therefore, he must never need anyone. He strives for perfection, success, and autonomy.
– Mistrust/abuse: He believes that people are nice to him only because they want something from him. He avoids true intimacy and is highly sceptical of the motives of others.
– Defectiveness/shame: At a very core, unaware level, he feels unlovable and ashamed of himself. He keeps that realization away from his consciousness by indulging in addictive self-soothing activities (including workaholism), demanding approval for his outstanding performance, and acting entitled to special treatment.
– Subjugation: Control or be controlled. He is controlling.
– Unrelenting standards: There’s no time for spontaneity, which can be a threat to his well-masked sense of inadequacy. He must sacrifice pleasure in order to do things perfectly, and often relentlessly. He’s restless when out of his performance mode.
– Entitlement/grandiosity: This is the narcissist’s hallmark schema. He feels special when he’s treated differently than other people. The rules don’t apply to him. He has grandiose dreams and a sense of supreme self-importance. This is also a cover-up for a sense of defectiveness.
– Insufficient self-control: He refuses to accept limits and has little tolerance for discomfort. The narcissist wants what he wants, in whatever quantity or time frame he chooses, and cannot tolerate having to wait or being refused what he wants.
– Approval seeking: His is a constant search for recognition, status, and the attention of others. This is usually an overcompensation for his loneliness and sense of defectiveness.

Origins of the Narcissist’s Schemas
Schemas correlated with the narcissist frequently arise in a scenario like this: Picture a child who grew up in a home where he was routinely criticized and devalued—where he was made to feel unworthy of love and attention, and where he ultimately developed a defectiveness/shame schema. He also contracted the emotional deprivation schema because his caregivers didn’t show him much affection, understanding, or protection. His mistrust and subjugation schemas were derived from feeling controlled and manipulated by parents who expected him to take care of their self-esteem by adhering to their standards for performance and surrendering his own important childhood needs. With no significant adult to counterbalance this experience and no repair work done by his depriving, critical parents, he grew up with an undercurrent of loneliness and shame, along with a well-entrenched feeling that no one would ever meet his emotional needs and that he was unlovable and flawed. These are the endlessly repeated lyrics of his schema, the biased beliefs that he has rigidly internalized.
Coping skills involve 3 masks:
– The perfectionist: the hallmark of an unrelenting standards schema
– The avenging bully: the hallmark of an entitlement schema
– The competitive braggart: the hallmark of an approval-seeking schema

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3 Main Schemas Among People In Relationships with Narcissists
– Mistrust and Subjugation
– Defectiveness and Unrelenting Standards
– Abandonment, Emotional Deprivation, and Self-Sacrifice

Exercise:
– Your schemas e.g. abandonment and subjugation.
– Effects of your schemas e.g. taking the blame and putting others need first.
– Your coping modes e.g. giving in and avoiding.
– The truth e.g. It’s not my fault, we both have a part.
– Healthy assertive message e.g. I will not accept this treatment even if it’s not your intention to hurt me.
– Leverage e.g. I know he doesn’t want to lose me so I’m going to start communicating about the option of leaving. Not as a threat but as the final option.

4 Stages of Transformation
– Observation: You notice that your relationship with the narcissist is one where you do most of the giving and he does most of the getting—especially getting his own way. Whereas you’re prone to feeling guilty and apologizing for your limitations, he’s more likely to make excuses and blame others for his bad behaviour.
– Assessment: You can see how the lack of balance in the relationship and your sense of its unfairness are linked to feelings of anxiety and despair. These feelings have a familiar resonance that’s connected to some of the earliest chapters in your life story.
– Identification: With your new understanding of early maladaptive schemas, you can see how your emotional deprivation, defectiveness, self-sacrifice, and subjugation schemas are the culprits behind these weighted feelings. You can see that you didn’t receive an adequate amount of support and emotional nurturing as a child and that you always had a sense of never being good enough, causing you to build a sturdy fortress out of doing and giving. This helped you numb the throbbing ache of longing for love and approval—a longing you perceived as shameful. If you happen to know the childhood history of the narcissist in your life, or perhaps by using what you’ve gleaned from this book, you can also connect the dots to name his schemas and begin to see patterns in the choreography of his undesirable moves.
– Differentiation: The art of knowing the difference between what was and what is, differentiation allows you to be in your mind and your body in real-time—in the here and now. Armed with the knowledge of which schemas and coping patterns are involved in the dynamics of your relationship, you can lay down your word weaponry. You recognize that you are no longer a powerless child, but rather a capable adult who can take a stand without hiding, blaming, or caving in.

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Exercise: (To be done after you have written your own schemas)
– 1. Find a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted and sit comfortably. Close your eyes for a moment. Try to recall a painful childhood memory involving one of your caregivers, a sibling, or someone from your peer group. Assign a part of you to act as a sentry—remaining keenly watchful of your feet firmly planted on the ground, safely anchored to this moment, here and now—so that you can permit yourself to gently look back and notice the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that emerge as you call up this difficult event. What happened during this painful event? How did you deal with it? Can you recall what you wish had happened at that time? What were your deepest longings? If recalling the experience becomes difficult or painful, remind yourself that you are only remembering.
– 2. Take a slow, deep breath in and then slowly exhale completely. Blank out the images of that past event but continue to hold on to the thoughts, emotions, and sensations that fill your mind and body. Keep them with you, allowing your soft and gentle breath to caress any painful associations etched on the walls of your mind.
– 3. Now that you’ve honed an awareness of difficult thoughts, emotions, and sensations and experienced how your breath can help ease their impact, call up a picture of the narcissist in your life. See if you can zoom in on a difficult, upsetting, or annoying encounter—past or potential. Make the image as vivid as possible within your mind. Pay attention to the thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations that resonate as this charged scenario unfolds within you. If you could control the outcome, what do you wish would happen? What are your deepest longings?
– 4. Take a couple of slow, gentle breaths, in and out, then open your eyes and give yourself a moment to become fully reengaged with your surroundings. Say thank you to the part of you that kept you safely grounded so that you could make the journey. (Compare before and after and analyse it.)
– 5. Finally, take a look at the list of your schemas one more time. Do you feel reasonably confident that you’ve accurately identified those most pertinent to your life story—those that may be implicitly interfering with your own interpersonal effectiveness? If so, good for you. If not, don’t worry. This is a complex task, and you may have multiple layers of history and behavioural patterns to unfold. Read on; there is much more ahead that will assist you in your discovery.

Take a moment to recall the potent sensations you experienced:
Increased heart rate
Elevated blood pressure
Increased skin temperature
Faster breathing rate
A damp brow or palms
A queasy or achy feeling in your stomach
Tightness or a lump in your throat
Dry mouth
Quivering lips
Tingling in your hands, feet, or legs
A sudden stiffness in your neck, back, or joints
Dizziness
Welling of tears
Sleepiness
Pain or numbness in parts of your body
Your mind going blank
A heightening or dulling of your senses: sound, smell, visual recognition, taste, or touch

Exercise: Anticipating the Glitches and Activating Your Radar
1. Think about your next encounter with the narcissist. When and where will it occur? What will the circumstances of this meeting be?
2. Think about all of the possible interpersonal challenges that might arise during this encounter.
3. Take into account all that you can possibly predict about how you’re likely to feel, given the importance of the particular activity that brings you together, your typical level of sensitivity in such situations, and historical precedents in this type of situation. Consider everything from peripheral distractions to the worst-case scenario.
4. Bring your attention to the sensations in your body and the thoughts moving through your mind. Point the radar of your awareness to your most vulnerable areas of sensitivity—those deep red thunderstorms embedded in the rainy background.
5. If your senses could talk, what would they be saying? For example, if you have a defectiveness schema combined with a punitive coping mode, the tightness in your neck might say, You’re such a wimp; you can’t even defend yourself. Look at the sensations you’re experiencing and try to identify what they’re saying to you.
6. Allow your wise and compassionate inner voice to engage those sensations in a dialogue. For example, you might say, I was often made to feel that I wasn’t good enough when I was young, but that just wasn’t true. I was only a child. I had no capacity to stand up for myself then. I was young and scared. What I’m experiencing now is the resonance of that schema. But I have choices right now. I don’t have to tolerate being treated this way by anyone anymore.
7. Notice how the sensations triggered by your imaginary encounter with the narcissist begin to slowly make their exit. If you can’t come up with words to refute your schema, you might ask a friend, loved one, therapist, or anyone who really knows you to help you compose an authentic message that reflects your inner truth.

Bait and Switch Maneuvers
– The vanishing act. After promising you his undying attention, the narcissist becomes unavailable. With no acknowledgment or contrition, he accuses you of being selfish and needy when you feel upset about it.
– The setup. Having solicited your ideas and input with seeming enthusiasm, the narcissist proceeds to assassinate your response and annihilate your self-esteem with demeaning criticisms.
– Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Seizing the opportunity to be your hero, the narcissist will be abundantly protective when others are unfair to you. But he will have no compunction about cutting you to the quick with his harsh and lordly tones if you dare to interrupt him or question his opinions.
– Adding insult to injury. The narcissist will show up unexpectedly with a truckload of roses, making you feel disposed to forgive his cloddish behavior of the past few days. You reciprocate with acts of love and appreciation, but, ultimately, nothing is ever enough for his chasm of insatiability, leaving you grinding your teeth between guilt and exasperation. Eventually, it’s all about him again.
– Devil’s advocate. Like the president of a debate club or a judge with gavel in hand, the narcissist invites you into a conversation that quickly becomes either a long-drawn-out soliloquy, argumentative or highly competitive. No matter what your response—ignoring him, fighting back, pleading, or even giving in—he is impervious.

Typical Emotional Responses
– Insecurity. When the narcissist is performing his vanishing act, the instability of his mood and unreliability of his presence may leave you feeling alone and insecure. This feeling sometimes harkens back to memories of unstable relationships during your childhood.
– Intimidation. The setup maneuver can be downright intimidating, like being gently coaxed to dip your toe into the water only to have it bitten by a piranha. This maneuver can often mimic childhood scenarios, such as your parent encouraging you to choose something from a dinner menu and then criticizing you for the choice you made. In response, you learned how to read between the lines to find the “right” answer, even if it wasn’t necessarily your own.
– Resentment. When the narcissist transforms from Dr. Jekyll into the odious Mr. Hyde, you become resentful of his superiority, selfishness, and inability to compromise, especially if only fifteen minutes ago he was heroically defending you. Suddenly his support and heroic efforts don’t feel like they’re about you at all. This can feel like those rare times when your mother would call you from your room and invite you to join her at the table where she was entertaining friends. It was nice to feel included and wanted, but within moments you realized that this was just a ploy so she could bask in everyone’s oohs and aahs over what a beautiful job she’d done with you. Once again, you were left dutifully holding the spotlight on
her “mother of the year” act.
– Provocation. How does the narcissist manage to be so charming when heaping insult atop injury? And why do you fall for it every time? It isn’t because you’re foolish, but because it feels good to be cared for and have moments when you’re treated kindly. You go out on a limb to be appreciative of the narcissist’s gallantry, only to find that the charming prince you’ve kissed is really a frog. You feel provoked that you were once again captured by his miniature moments of magic and forced to pay the price with yet another predictable case of warts. This may be reminiscent of a dynamic with your parents; perhaps you savoured the all-too-rare loving attention your mother showered on you when you were ill, only to be guilt-tripped because she lost sleep while taking care of you.
– Powerlessness. The devil’s advocate maneuver is primarily a way of elevating the uniqueness of whatever the narcissist is orating about, leaving you feeling powerless and weary. You feel like it’s a no-win situation; if you don’t concede, he’ll keep you up all night, making his point endlessly and enjoying the sound of his own voice. This can sometimes feel like the powerlessness of being a child, especially if you learned to subjugate your voice to a parent or caregiver who wanted you to keep your ideas and opinions to yourself and respect her point of view as sacrosanct.

Beyond Fight, Flight, or Freeze (Modification & Communication)
The fight response
1a – Counterattack: If you’re prone to fighting back when you feel ignored or verbally attacked, your inner dialogue is one of I’ll show you. This, of course, usually results in a wearying battle, a heightened verbal onslaught, or increased withdrawal on the part of your opponent.
1b – Modification: Fighters need not give up the fight. You just need to stand up for yourself without attacking. For example, instead of I’ll show you, your inner dialogue can become I have rights too.
1c – Communication: Your new approach might sound like this: “Though it probably isn’t your intention, I feel devalued by your actions and words. I won’t tolerate being treated so disrespectfully. If you’re uncomfortable with me, you can tell me without putting me down or ignoring me. You have rights, and so do I. I’d appreciate it if you could speak to me with more consideration, and I’ll do the same for you.”
The flight response
2a – Avoidance: If you’re prone to running away when things are difficult, your inner dialogue is one of See ya later. But the more you avoid, the more your opponent pursues, demands, and persists. You end up feeling cornered, incapacitated, and abandoned by your own
voice.
2b – Modification: If you are someone who needs distance from disquieting
exchanges, that’s okay. But in order to resolve a conflict, you need to eventually return. Your inner dialogue might go from See ya later to I need a time-out.
2c – Communication: Your new approach might sound like this: “I know that this issue is very important to you. It’s also important to me, but I’m feeling flooded right now. I need some time alone to regroup and gather my thoughts so our conversation might be productive. Perhaps you could benefit from it too.”
The freeze response
2a – Surrender: If you’re prone to becoming immobilized in interactions that feel threatening, your only means of releasing yourself from the narcissist’s sticky grip is to give in, take the blame, and agree. Your inner dialogue is one of You’re right; it’s all my fault. Unfortunately, this often results in further criticism for your fragile and flawed disposition.
2b – Modification: If you have a reflexive freeze response, you may find a rehearsed script helpful. Your inner dialogue may go from It’s all my fault to I may not be perfect, but it’s not all my fault.
2c – Communication: Your new approach might sound like this: “It seems that you’re upset with me, and when I sense that, I have a tendency to give up and give in. I know this makes you more upset, but that isn’t my intention. I get triggered by these exchanges, but I’m working to strengthen my confidence. I’d appreciate it if you could be more thoughtful toward me.
You have responsibilities in this relationship too.”

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Important of Practice
Learning new habits.
Unlearning undesirable habits.
Performing well enough or better.
Making all of this stick to memory and perhaps developing a sense of mastery.

Being mindful of your automatic reactions with help:
Sudden discomfort may be a sign of schema activation.
The thoughts and feelings activated by your memories may not
have any bearing on the present situation.
You have choices in the present moment.
You have nothing to prove and no need to hide.
You have rights too.

Exercise:
1. Direct your attention to your breath, and without forcing anything, just maintain the natural pace of your breath and focus on each of the following aspects in turn: With the first breath, notice the rise and fall of your abdomen. With the second breath, tune in to the expansion and contraction of your lungs. With the third breath, feel the cool air coming through your nostrils as you breathe in, and sense the warmth of the air you exhale.
2. Repeat the above process three times, noticing the rise and fall of your abdomen, your lungs expanding and contracting, and the temperature of the air as you inhale and exhale.
3. If your eyes are open, visually notice the space you’re occupying. If they’re closed, conjure up a memory of the picture. Label what you see: the color, size, shape, dimension, and movement of whatever surrounds you.
4. Notice the sounds in your environment. Allow them to enter your auditory awareness precisely and without judgment. Label each one, from the roaring lyrics of the lawnmower pressing through your window to the rambling medley of children’s voices in play and even to the most subtle sounds: the whistle of the air ventilation duct, the tiny tick of the clock, or the faint hum coming from your laptop sitting on your desk.
5. Invite your nasal passages to join you in your practice, making sense out of scents in the air.
6. Point the needle of your compass of awareness to your tongue. As you take a slow breath in and then release it slowly, notice and label any tastes that have taken refuge in your mouth.
7. Direct your attention toward the sensations of anything that you are physically in contact with. Notice your clothing against your skin, a breeze brushing your face, the texture of the surface or firmness of the cushion you’re sitting on, the feeling of the ground beneath your feet or the sand between your toes.
8. Turn your attention to your internal world, the world beneath the surface of your skin. If possible, engage in a few simple stretches accompanied by nice, full breaths. Starting with the crown of your head, slowly scan your entire body from top to bottom, including your face, neck, limbs, fingers, and toes. Take notice of sensations in your muscles and viscera: energy, fatigue, tightness, tingling, soreness, numbness, strength, queasiness, or weakness, for example. Just notice. Be aware of emotional responses emerging within. You may notice that your inner sensations emit a resonance of sadness, fear, or anger. Just notice this, label it, and allow your attention to rest upon it quietly, observing without appraisal.

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4 Most Common Masks & How to Deal with Them
– 1. The Show-Off. someone who hungers for the adoration and envy of others. With your steady grasp of the present moment, proceed to ignore her obvious solicitations and instead offer positive feedback for the simple
and ordinary niceties of the interaction. Focus on thoughtful, unadorned kindnesses instead of the extraordinary, supremely glossy images and actions she presents for your admiration.
– 2. The Bully. He’s fearful that others will try to control him, make a fool of him, or take advantage of him. He believes that no one could truly care about him, given his history of emotional voids and his deep sense of shame and inadequacy. He protects himself by being critical and controlling of others. You look the bully in the eye and carefully proceed to let him know how his words and actions make you feel.
– 3. The Entitled One. You’re dealing with someone who feels that she can make up her own set of rules and that she should be able to have whatever she wants when she wants it. You gently emerge from the heat rising in your face, take a breath, steady your nerves, and proceed to let her know the real deal.
– 4. The Addictive Self-Soother. He may be engrossed in workaholism, drinking binges, spending marathons, or voracious Internet surfing. He may indulge in the delivery of yet another tiring oration on some esoteric or controversial subject, not necessarily because he’s seeking attention but in an effort to avoid feeling the throbbing pulse of his aloneness and fragility. You remind yourself that he doesn’t don this mask on purpose and that it isn’t your fault that he’s frequently detached. You act with a sense of responsibility for yourself and your role in the relationship, especially if this is a meaningful relationship.

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Perilous Narcissist Behaviours
Threats to Financial and Legal Security
Gambles excessively
Spends excessively
Won’t get a job
Feels entitled to drink and drive
Buys, uses, or sells illicit drugs
Views child pornography
Visits prostitutes
Evades taxes
Engages in corrupt and fraudulent acts
Steals
Threats to Physical or Emotional Safety
Engages in physically or verbally abusive behavior
Threatens to harm you, your children, others, or possibly himself
Disparages you and your children in public
Destroys property, throws things, threatens to take the children or leave you penniless, or takes out his aggression on pets
Insists on driving when under the influence of substances, even with you or your children in the car
Threats to Stability in Relationship and the Community
Has affairs or engages in other promiscuous or risky sexual behavior, including visiting prostitutes or strip clubs or problematic viewing of pornography or visiting adult chat rooms
Carelessly exposes children to inappropriate material, language, or behaviors
Lies pathologically about almost anything
Gets into brawls with neighbors and other community members
Doesn’t display neighborly conduct despite warnings from authorities, for example, playing loud music, having no regard for the appearance of property, or being noisy or exhibitionists

Once discovered, the narcissist typically denies wrongdoing or tries to minimize the damage. He’s usually quick to offer the excuse that he’s just like all men or to blame his partner for being overweight, boring, prudish, or too involved with the children, her job, or others. Keep in mind that his problematic behaviours aren’t the only way to deal with a sense of loneliness or sexual frustration. Of course, the narcissist isn’t particularly interested in hearing about how his partner feels anyway, much less talking about the issue, examining his behaviour, or working on it.

In the case of perilous narcissism, safety should be your first and foremost priority, especially if the narcissist’s volatility, violence, or threats are increasing; if he is persistent and unremorseful in perpetrating verbal or emotional abuse; or if he responds to your upset contemptuously or hatefully, beyond his chronic disrespect and maltreatment of you.

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The ability to experience empathy and even perhaps compassion for this troubling and troubled person is just the skill you need for achieving more satisfying outcomes in interactions—and hopefully a more satisfying relationship.

Keeping Them on the Hook
– Differentiating between fault and responsibility
I understand how important it is for you to protect yourself from embarrassment with your associates, and from the dread of letting me down. I need you to communicate with more consideration for my feelings as well as your own. On that note, once you’ve had a chance to calm down, I’d appreciate an apology.
– Setting limits
You begin by trying to understand her behaviour and its roots in her past experience. Then you hold her accountable for her actions in the here and now. We’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t try to impose your standards on our home. I’m also happy that you and the baby are forming a relationship, but please respect our parenting and household decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. If you aren’t sure about something, feel free ask us. This will help us protect our relationship and not carry any resentments. I know you aren’t used to having people challenge you, and I’m not looking to have a debate. I’m just respectfully letting you know that this subject isn’t open to negotiation. I’m sorry if that upsets you. That isn’t my intention.
– Establishing the rules of reciprocity
You thoughtfully imagine the little guy in Chris who was never shown how to share, how to play fair, how to give and take—the boy who was emasculated by his dad and smothered by his mom. You could have explained your feelings to me when I proposed a change. I don’t appreciate being cut off and dismissed. I’m simply requesting that we try something different. What do you think? I’d really appreciate it if you’d look at me when you’re talking to me, as I do with you. I’d like to receive the same courtesy that you expect from me.
– Promoting optimal awareness by providing positive feedback
I’m really grateful for the efforts you’re making to be more considerate of me. It really makes me feel closer to you. Thanks again. You just offered a simple recognition and a thank-you for being conscious and fairly considerate. Remember, in order for the narcissist to feel comfortable and connected in relationships, he must learn what he never learned as a child: that he is fine for who he is underneath the bulky layers of glitz and gloss.
– Integrating your optimal tool: raw truth
You summon up your recollections of the little girl in you who had such a difficult time asserting herself and trusting her own feelings. Your feelings mean a lot to me. But you destroy the chance for us to work things out when you don’t acknowledge your own feelings. I’d like to start this conversation over.

3 Important Tools for Enhancing Leverage
– The implicit assumption rule is more familiarly known as giving
someone the benefit of the doubt. You suggest to the narcissist that he
probably doesn’t appreciate how hurtful his words are and that you assume
that he didn’t mean to be so critical, but that it did upset you.
– The micro to macro approach is more commonly known as a dress rehearsal. Despite the narcissist’s protestations that he doesn’t really give a hoot what people think of him, you know that being liked and accepted by others is desirable to all of us, including, and especially, the narcissist. Your private eyewitness observations of his unfavourable behaviour represent a microcosm of his relationships with others and the world at large. In this approach, you empathically point out that his entitled and self-aggrandizing behaviour is understandable to you because you’re aware of the confusing messages he received as a child: perhaps one moment he was spoiled, and the next he was deprived and ignored. You tell him you know he seeks to gain status by ignoring the rules and expecting special attention from others. Then you explain that, while you’ve worked hard to understand his makeup and care enough to be open with him and even forgiving, those who don’t know him in this way may see him as arrogant, have little desire to be with him, and may not care enough to tell him the truth. This enhances your leverage because he can’t hide from your compassion and soothing wisdom, and he also can’t deal with the pain of perpetual exclusion.
– Time-outs. If you’re in a heightened state of anger and at the threshold of a toxic verbal discharge or withdrawal, you may need time to de-escalate your feelings and deconstruct the precipitating events that pushed your hot buttons. The idea is to have a cooling-off period before revisiting the disputed issue or even just being around each other. Things you can do is – breathe mindfully, use a schema flashcard: 1 Observe, 2 Assess, 3 Identify, 4 Differentiate, 5 Self-soothe. Engage in distractions.

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Harness the F.O.R.C.E.
– Flexibility: Adjust your statements, questions, and responses to fit the situation. Resist and discard rigid and unbendable inclinations and ideas.
– Openness: Listen without judgment or preconceived expectations. By not jumping to conclusions, you allow discovery to occur.
– Receptivity: Use eye contact, facial expression, and body language, combined with your words and tone of voice, to suggest that you are ready to relate to others and invite their ideas and feelings without coercion, interruption, or censorship.
– Competence: Be a credible and empathic listener and display clarity and sensibility when communicating, along with enthusiastic and attuned listening. Be a role model of authenticity, and don’t be motivated by obtaining recognition.
– Enlightenment: Be curious. Encourage and demonstrate an interest in exchanging insights. Create an atmosphere of mutual awareness and understanding through spoken and unspoken language, shining the light of knowledge on the darkness of ignorance and inviting others to do the same for you.

Bonus Communication Skills
– Matching impact to intention: Craft what you say and how you say it so that it’s received by the listener as you intended. Keep in mind what you hope to communicate and choose words and ways of expressing yourself that will ensure the other person receives the message you’d like to impart. For example, if you’re aware that you’re very angry but would primarily like to communicate that you feel lonely, you’ll need to consciously express yourself in a way that communicates loneliness rather than anger.
– Modelling: Give the other person an example of what you expect in return. For example, if you speak calmly and respectfully, you’ll have a better chance of getting the same in response.
– Having reasonable expectations: Know your listener and what he is capable of, and know yourself and what you feel capable of in that moment. Some days are better than others for engaging in the challenge of communicating about difficult matters. Listen to your mind and body, and choose your battles thoughtfully.

7 Gifts of Communication with a Narcissist
– 1. The art of mutual respect is an expression of the gift of generosity.
You accept the narcissist’s different point of view or preference without becoming critical, defending your position, or discarding your own opinions.
– 2. The art of self-disclosure is an expression of the gift of courage.
Unburden yourself of withholding the truth. This is the gift of courage.
– 3. The art of discernment is an expression of the gift of truth.
You clear the cobwebbed obstacles of the past and enter into the domain of now. You acknowledge history without succumbing to it. You can help him distinguish reality in the here and now from automatic beliefs and habits.
– 4. The art of collaboration is an expression of the gift of shared effort.
This is the gift of shared effort. Though we are all capable of making mistakes, we also have something to offer one another in working together.
– 5. The art of anticipating clashes is an expression of the gift of
foresight.
Anticipating clashes allows you to preempt the predictable pitfalls in your relationship. This is the gift of foresight. This gift is provided in part by the biological makeup of the brain. You are endowed with the ability to draw upon memory to predict what lies ahead.
– 6. The art of apology is an expression of the gift of responsibility.
You’re committed to responsibility for the impacts of your words, sentiments, and behaviours, especially when they’re hurtful. You know that your behaviour can serve as a model for how you’d like the narcissist to treat you, and you hope for reciprocity
– 7. The art of reflective listening is an expression of the gift of
balance.
Mirroring the communication of the other person and extracting hidden sentiments. This is the gift of balance. You know both how to articulate information and how to put self-interest aside and invite your listener to express himself to you.

Bonus: My 4 part videos on understanding Narcs and some very useful lines to use on them.

Contents
Foreword
Preface
Acknowledgments
Introduction

1. Framing The Situation: Toward An Understanding Of Narcissism
2. Understanding The Anatomy Of Personality: Schemas And The Brain
3. Getting Captured: Identifying Your Personal Traps
4. Overcoming The Obstacles: Communication Pitfalls, Snags, And Glitches
5. Paying Attention: Facing Difficult Encounters With A Narcissist
6. Making An Exit: Escaping Perilous Narcissism
7. Using Empathic Confrontation: A Winning Strategy For Interpersonal Effectiveness
8. Making The Most Of A Difficult Situation: Seven Gifts Of Communication With A Narcissist

Resources
References
About The Author