Fix the Way You Argue in a Relationship

Source: Your Brain Works Against You When You Argue With Your Significant Other. Here’s How to Fix That, According to an Expert

Quick Tips:
– Rethink blaming. Don’t see your partners mistake as a sign of selfishness. Consider all the possible explanations for the mistake.
– Not brush off praise. Take a second to appreciate why your partner gave you the compliment and what it means about your relationship.
– See rough patches as opportunities for growth and not as a sign of a failed relationship. Try and improve on these together.
– Be grateful for each other. Research shows gratitude helps better sleep and motivates exercise.
– Be happy for each other. Sharing positive events will build trust and increase feelings of intimacy.

Summary:
– Wrong memories: We record memories depending on our state of mind. When couples fight over memories they’re both likely wrong. It’s better to end the find than try and figure out who is correct.

– Perception is not always objective: You fight over who looked at who in a certain way when it was not the case. Because the brain in moving too fast when you are upset, there is no error-correcting. If your partner says ‘don’t look at me like I’m an idiot’. Do not try to correct the faulty perception, instead let them know you love them and you don’t think they’re an idiot.

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– Over-efficient communication: The brain takes shortcuts to conserve energy. So one word may mean something to me and at the same time meaning something totally different to you. Slow down and confirm what you understood. ‘Is this what you are trying to say when you use that word?’.

– Look at each other: If you’re on the phone or texting your eyes cannot correct as well as when you are arguing in person. Intentions, phrases, meanings and tones can be misunderstood. It is best to get better at communicating and fighting in person before working things over phone and text.

– See collaboration, not compromise: Agree initially that you both care about each other and the outcome of your disagreement. Acknowledge the validity of each others argument and offer a solution that builds on the others. This way you are both committed to come up with something better than your own idea. Both sides having a mutual stake in the outcome towards a win-win will help creativity and bargaining. In a way you fall forward enough to get the subject off the table.