– You’ll become familiar with the five-step process to resolve conflict of any kind. In addition, you’ll develop the ability to work through problems with 30 types of difficult behaviors and personalities.
– Employees who are able to stay calm and approach conflict in a self-controlled, thoughtful manner are viewed more positively by coworkers and bosses.
– Try not using Always or Never phrases.
– Begin with I phrases and avoid YOU. It comes off as an attack that needs to be defended. “I was hurt when you …”, instead of “You hurt me…”.
– If you don’t know how to launch into your conversation, try prefacing your “I” phrase by saying something like: “I have something I need to talk to you about” or “I have something I need to get off my chest” or “Something happened that’s been bothering me.”
– Actions and body-language, gestures and facial expressions are important too. Beware of yours and also reading others. Know when touch will enhance communication.
– Assertiveness means saying what’s on your mind, carefully choosing your words, matching your actions to what you’re saying, and being respectful toward the other person. Aggressiveness means saying what’s on your mind when it comes to mind, giving no thought as to how you’re going to present yourself, and ignoring the nonverbal signals you send. If you act aggressively, you’ll likely come across as angry, arrogant, bossy, or egotistical.
– Good conflict resolution discussion clears up confusion, channels positive energy, boosts confidence, helps people move forward, and ultimately strengthens relationships.
“I” Phrases
“I was hurt when you said I make too many mistakes.”
“I became upset when you took credit for my work.”
“I felt betrayed when I heard that you talked behind my back.”
“I became confused and lost focus when you interrupted me during my sales presentation.”
“I was surprised when you jumped in before I had time to finish.”
“I get frustrated every time you talk so loudly that I can’t hear my customers.”
Phrases of Understanding
“You know, now that I’m thinking about it, I wouldn’t like that done to me either.”
“I realize that you didn’t do it on purpose.”
“I understand that you didn’t mean it to sound that way.”
“I’m sure you were just excited when you started talking.”
“I’m certain you didn’t mean to take credit for my idea.”
“I know you well enough to know that you wouldn’t knowingly do that to me.”
“Now I see where you’re coming from.”
“I understand the situation from your viewpoint now.”
“I can see why you didn’t think that would bother me.”
“I’m glad you gave me the additional information. I realize why you did that.”
Phrases of Apology
“I’m sorry if I seem overly sensitive.”
“I’m sorry if I misunderstood your intent.”
“I’m sorry that we need to have this conversation.”
“I apologize if I misunderstood what happened.”
“I regret that I have to bring this up.”
“Please forgive me for feeling this way.”
Phrases of Compromise
“Let’s talk about this. I need to know why it happened and how we can keep it from happening again.”
“Can we talk about what happened?”
“I feel that we need to talk this out so it doesn’t happen again.”
“Let’s go somewhere in private and try to resolve this.”
“Let’s talk this over and find a suitable compromise.”
“I’d like to hear how you saw the situation so that I better understand.”
“Here’s how you see the issue: ________. And here’s how I see it: ________.
Let’s see where we can come together on this.”
“Since we don’t agree why this happened, let’s lay out the facts and come up with a solution we both can live with.”
“Why don’t we each state our viewpoints? Then we’ll see if we can find common ground.”
“We need to resolve this somehow. The only way to do that is for each of us to be flexible and try to come together.”
Phrases of Resolution
“I’m happy…we could resolve this.”
“I’m glad…we talked this out. We have a better understanding of what happened.”
“I’m pleased…we were able to clear up the misunderstanding.”
“I’m thrilled…we were able to come to an agreement.”
If you’re not sure the solution is agreeable to everyone, voice your phrase of resolution as a question.
“Are you satisfied with the solution?”
“Is there anything else we need to talk about?”
“Do you feel we have a better understanding of what caused the problem?”
“How do you feel about the solution?”
“I’m happy with our compromise. How do you feel about it?”
Phrases of Reconciliation
“I value our working relationship…. Going forward I feel we’ll be able to work through any problem.”
“I’m glad we talked this out…. Now I’m confident we can work through any problem.”
“I respect you…and know that we’ll work even more closely now.”
“I’m glad we talked this out…. In the future, we’re not going to let any disagreement get in the way of our friendship.”
“I have a better understanding of you…, and I hope you do of me as well.”
“We’ve always worked closely and going forward…. I know that we won’t let a little problem stand between us.”
Conflict Resolution Step 1: Think First
Never act or speak before you think.
Take time to calm down and control your emotions.
Look at the situation from all perspectives.
Stay objective when thinking about the conflict.
Focus on the problem, not the person.
Think through your conversation, along with likely responses.
Refrain from taking sides in other people’s problems.
Try to help the other person objectify the situation, rather than make judgments.
Conflict Resolution Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding
Never draw conclusions before first speaking to the other person.
Question the other person in an objective and respectful manner.
Carefully listen to the response so that you gain an understanding of how the other person views the issue.
If more than two people are involved, get everyone together and allow each person to tell his or her version of the situation.
Encourage everyone to use “I phrases” when explaining.
If someone becomes emotional, pay attention to the nonverbal clues behind the message.
Listen carefully, and avoid interrupting.
When it’s your turn to respond, control your emotions.
If someone becomes upset or starts losing control of his or her emotions, acknowledge and offer an assurance. Defer your discussion until the person has had time to calm down.
Conflict Resolution Step 3: Define the Problem
When you feel you have enough information, restate the problem from your viewpoint. Then ask others how they view the problem.
Say something like: “I see it this way…. How do you see it?”
Before you move on to find a workable solution, everyone must agree on how the problem is defined.
Conflict Resolution Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution
If you’re responsible for facilitating a conflict resolution meeting, it may help to make a ground rule: no personal attacks, no button pushing, and no insulting, which shows everyone that you’re focused on solving the problem.
After offering your best solution, ask if the other party or parties agree.
If everyone agrees, then you’re ready to move to the final step.
If they don’t agree, ask for other ideas.
Allow everyone to propose a solution.
Analyze the consequences of each proposal.
Be respectful of everyone’s opinion.
Keep the focus on finding the best solution.
Emphasize that this is not a blame game.
Try to find common ground by looking for the things on which you can agree.
Be prepared for give and take. Be the one to offer a compromise.
If your role is to facilitate conflict resolution that doesn’t directly involve you, maintain your objectivity.
If the discussion stalls, postpone the meeting to give everyone a chance to calm down and look at the situation more objectively. In the event that you’re not able to reach a compromise, involve someone with greater authority to mediate the meeting.
Conflict Resolution Step 5: Agree on the Resolution
Reach agreement through consensus, by taking a vote, or by one person making the call.
Attempt to reach agreement through consensus, whereby everyone agrees on the final outcome.
If you resort to deciding by majority rule, explain why the majority feels this is the best decision.
If you have to make the final call, explain that you listened carefully to everyone’s suggestions and made the best decision based on the information you had. Explain why you chose that decision.
Once you’ve arrived at an agreement, restate the resolution and give everyone the chance for additional input to ensure that they buy into the final decision.
Basic Rules When Confronting a Coworker
Always remain calm, no matter how the other person speaks to you.
Always treat others with respect.
Don’t overreact.
Take a wait-and-see approach whenever possible.
Get a neutral person’s perspective on the situation if you feel it’ll help.
Always speak in specifics and be prepared to share examples.
Don’t try to change people; focus only on changing the behavior.
Avoid complaining about people to others.
Not every situation needs to be addressed, even if you feel confident that you know how to effectively resolve conflict.
Ignoring a situation may sometimes be your best option, particularly if it’s the result of an annoying habit you can learn to ignore.
Always give the person the chance to make things right; never go over someone’s head without speaking to the involved person directly.
If the situation can’t be resolved after your resolution conversation, then and only then refer the matter to your boss.
If the conversation heats up or you feel threatened, end the discussion and get someone else to mediate.
Note: Use the above 5 steps of conflict resolution on the following How to Deal with … section.
#ads
How to Deal with a Backstabber
Don’t fall into the trap of agreeing with someone who’s badmouthing your coworkers.
Don’t confront the backstabber when you’re upset or angry, which are normal emotions if you learn that someone badmouthed you.
Do, however, plan to speak to the person.
Give yourself time to calm down so that you can think about the conversation you need to have.
Begin your conversation with the person by stating what you heard and how it affected you.
Ask the person to explain.
Make sure the backstabber understands what the problem is. The only compromise you should have to offer is that you expect him or her to come to you directly if he or she has a problem with you rather than talking about you behind your back.
End the conversation with phrases of resolution and reconciliation.
Keep this person at arm’s length and watch what you say and how you act when together.
How to Deal with a Brownnoser
Use peer pressure, as it is often effective when dealing with the team brownnoser.
Try gentle chiding, joking, and rubbing one’s nose, as these actions may help the brownnoser understand that the behavior is unacceptable to the team.
Take action if the boss (or recipient of the brownnosing) starts buying in to it and begins showing favoritism.
Recognize that the problem is now with the boss, who is granting special favors, so that’s the person to speak to.
Think before speaking, and remember to focus on how the boss’s actions are affecting the rest of the team.
Ask questions to gain a better understanding that will help you define the problem and also help get the boss to understand there is a problem.
Be prepared to offer your best solution.
Know that your efforts may fall on deaf ears. If the boss isn’t willing to agree to your proposed solution, there’s not a lot you can do.
Well, actually there is. Focus on doing your best job and finding ways to showcase your accomplishments to your boss.
How to Deal with a Bully
Try ignoring the behavior in hope that the bully will grow tired of your failure to respond and stop.
If the behavior continues, remind yourself that you don’t deserve to be treated this way.
If your place of business has formal procedures about bullying, then you may decide to go directly to your boss or human resources without confronting the person.
If you decide to confront the bully, there’s no need to work through the phases of fact finding and defining the behavior.
Practice your conversation so that you’re able to stay calm and in control when you speak to the bully.
Remember that the most empowering words you need to say are: “The behavior needs to stop.” If you feel the need or if the bully denies the behavior, give examples.
Understand that you may not get the bully to back down and agree that the behavior was out of line.
Be prepared to offer your resolution by stating specifically how you expect to be treated.
If the bullying continues, document each incident. Your documentation should speak for itself so include date and time, what the person said or did, and if there were any witnesses to the conversation.
Then, speak to your boss or a human resources manager.
How to Deal with a Credit Taker
Be on your guard. Circumvent your coworker by speaking up and taking or giving credit where credit is due.
Look for opportunities to showcase your own accomplishments. Often, credit takers are the more gregarious members of the group and find it easy to shine the spotlight on themselves.
Practice tooting your own horn by thinking through some scenarios and how you might speak positively about yourself. Practicing will help you learn how to promote your accomplishments in a modest manner, so that it doesn’t sound as though you’re bragging.
If the credit taker gets one (or more) past you, it may be time to address the issue by speaking to the person. Explain how it made you feel and follow the five-step process to negotiate a successful conclusion. And, if it’s a group situation, the better approach is to have one person speak for the group.
If, after speaking to the credit taker, the behavior doesn’t stop, stay on your guard. Be prepared to offer your input when the credit t starts again.
Bottom line, don’t be a wallflower. Be assertive and speak up for yourself because if you don’t, upper management may never realize your contributions.
How to Deal with a Criticizer
The first time someone criticizes you, choose whether you want to ignore the remark or act on it.
If you choose to respond, try saying: “Thank you for your opinion.” This is apt to end the conversation.
Whenever someone criticizes you, view the criticism a growth opportunity.
Analyze the criticism. If it’s valid, decide what you can do to improve.
If you need additional training to correct the problem, ask for it.
If the criticisms continue and have no validity, you can continue ignoring the criticizer, continue thanking the person for his or her opinion, or decide to confront the person.
Before entering into a conflict resolution discussion, think through the likely conversation.
You may catch the criticizer off guard, and the person may respond as Mark did by brushing off the criticisms as jokes. Don’t let the person off the hook or the behavior is apt to continue.
Make sure the person understands why the criticisms create a problem for you.
State specifically how you expect to be treated.
Agree on a resolution and offer a phrase of reconciliation.
How to Deal with an Ethics Violator
If you know about an ethical violation and ignore the situation, it may have negative repercussions for you.
As soon as you become aware of an ethics violation, you become responsible for addressing or referring the issue.
If you feel comfortable addressing the issue with your coworker, especially if the coworker may not know the conduct was improper, do so right away. Don’t take a wait-and-see approach. But, first work through your conversation in your mind. This help you gain the confidence needed to speak assertively.
Always give the other person the chance to explain, as this will help you better understand.
Define the problem as it affects the company, other employees, and customers.
The only compromise you will offer (and it isn’t really a compromise, but rather a strong statement), is that the violation must never happen again.
After you gain agreement from your coworker, clearly state that the offender needs to talk to your boss about it. Taking this step places the responsibility on the violator and also on the boss. If the violation is very serious or it’s a dicey situation in which you don’t feel comfortable speaking to your coworker, then address the issue with your boss.
Make sure you have documentation to back up your accusation.
How to Deal with an Excessive Emailer
In a work situation, don’t decide to delete all emails from the offender. Some may be important.
If you don’t have time to scan every email from an email offender, talk to the person.
Tell the person that you don’t have the time to read unimportant emails that don’t pertain to work. Explain why it’s a problem for you. Get the person’s buy-in that they understand.
Offer a compromise by stating specifically the types of emails you want to receive.
If you don’t feel it’s necessary to be cc’d on replies, say so.
Always rule on the side of caution. You want to make sure you see the emails that may be pertinent, so make sure the person understands what you do need to see before ending your conversation and offering a phrase of reconciliation.
How to Deal with a Gossipmonger
Try ignoring the gossip. Remain neutral and don’t offer your opinion. Keep a passive facial expression and don’t use gestures that indicate agreement or surprise.
If someone asks for your opinion, tell them you’d rather not comment.
If the gossipmonger is starting to get to you and is affecting your work, you need to speak up.
Tell the person that you don’t care to listen to any gossip and explain how it affects your work.
Get the person to agree with how you defined the problem.
Then offer a compromise.
Gain agreement that the person will leave you out of the loop.
If you find that listening to grapevine news and other gossip continues to be bothersome when you’re with a group, it may be time to avoid the group.
Consider this: If you hang with people who gossip, others are going to assume you’re just like them.
How to Deal with a Know-It-All
Consider that the know-it-all may display this personality trait because of a deep-seated insecurity and lack of confidence. Some people who feel inferior try to act superior as a defensive mechanism. If you suspect this is the case, tread lightly, compliment your coworker when you can, and try to help him or her gain confidence.
If it doesn’t cause you a problem, it may be best to ignore the behavior.
If the person’s behavior starts getting on your nerves, it’s time to directly confront your coworker so that you can resolve the conflict.
Think and plan how you can assertively speak up and tactfully let the coworker know you don’t need the help or unsolicited advice.
Let the coworker know how the behavior makes you feel.
Define the problem and ask the coworker if he or she understands how you see it.
If you reach a stalemate after offering a compromise, compliment the know-it-all on what he or she does particularly well, as this will usually change this person’s attitude toward you.
Reiterate that you also know what you’re doing.
Add that if you do need help, you’ll be sure to ask for it.
After gaining agreement on your proposed solution, offer phrases of resolution and reconciliation.
How to Deal with a Late-Nick
Don’t suffer in silence. If someone’s lateness affects you or your customers, speak up.
Be sensitive to any personal issues that may be causing the problem.
Explain to the person how being consistently late affects you.
Make sure the late-nick understands why this is a problem.
Be prepared to offer a workable suggestion that will help the person get to work on time.
If the problem persists and it continues to bother you, you can either learn to ignore it or take the matter to your boss.
How to Deal with a Loudmouth
Consider that loudmouths may not realize they’re causing a problem for their coworkers.
First try gently “shh-ing” the coworker when he or she interferes with your ability to hear your customers.
If that doesn’t work (and it may not), your next step should be to speak to the coworker.
Think first about the best approach to take with your coworker, who may not realize he or she is interfering with your ability to hear. Explain that it’s tough for you to concentrate and hear the person with whom you’re speaking.
Be prepared to offer examples, such as a customer commenting on the loudness.
Use tact when speaking to your coworker, as the person may become defensive.
Assure the person that you’re the one having the problem, and then offer your best solution.
If the problem continues after speaking to your coworker, you may have to ask your boss to move you to a quieter location.
How to Deal with a Meeting Monopolizer
If you’re not conducting the meeting, try politely interjecting a comment to let the person know that you have something to say.
If the offender is a coworker who continuously monopolizes every meeting, you may try taking a humorous approach to let the person know it’s time to be quiet.
If you are the meeting leader, you might politely interrupt the monopolizer and say something like: “That’s a good point. I’d like to hear how everyone else feels.”
Understand that this approach most likely isn’t going to work long term and that it’s best to address the issue directly.
At the beginning of your next meeting, define the problem. Gain the attendees agreement that they understand.
Offer a compromise by setting meeting ground rules that limit everyone’s time to contribute.
Make sure that everyone buys into the compromise and proposed solution, which most likely the other attendees will. Or, in the case above, a discussion about an alternate solution may ensue. Just be sure to gain agreement on the best solution.
It’s also important to gain agreement from the offender.
Then stick to your guns. If the person tries gaining control of the meeting, remind the person of the ground rules everyone agreed to.
How to Deal with a Mistake Maker
It might help to remind your coworker that you came directly to him rather than to the boss. “Look, I didn’t go over your head on this. I’m coming to you so that we can figure out what’s going on and how we can stop this from happening in the future.” (compromise)
Don’t confront the person until you’ve analyzed what’s causing the problem.
Be specific, and provide examples of the errors you’ve fixed.
If necessary, ask questions to better understand.
Together, define the problem.
If you discover it’s a training issue, offer to show the correct procedure.
If your coworker is new, offer to mentor.
If you feel that it’s caused by a lack of motivation to do the job correctly, address the problem with your coworker and explain how the mistakes affect you. Give the coworker the chance to explain. Try to reach a compromise. If that doesn’t work, seek help from your boss and be prepared to provide specifics.
How to Deal with a Negative Nelly
Your best approach may be to ignore the negativity.
Don’t try to cheer this person up. It won’t work.
Don’t allow a negative Nelly to affect your attitude.
If you can, avoid the negative Nelly at all costs.
Take your break and eat lunch at a different time, which may help you avoid entering into conversations.
If can’t avoid this person, then speak up.
State how the negativity brings you down.
Confidently tell the person you’re not willing to listen to all the complaining.
Be prepared to cite examples if the person denies being a constant complainer.
Make sure the person understands how the negativity is affecting you, as this will help the negative Nelly understand that it’s causing you a problem.
Offer a compromise by assertively saying that you want to keep your conversations on neutral topics.
It may help to empathize with the person, but be very clear that you aren’t willing to continue listening to the complaining.
How to Deal with a Personal Hygiene Offender
If the problem is due to someone’s appearance and it doesn’t affect you, ignore it.
If the problem is caused by an unpleasant odor, such as body odor, bad breath, or too much perfume, it’s best to speak to the person directly—if you’re comfortable having the conversation.
If you don’t feel comfortable speaking to the person, then by all means take the issue to your boss.
If you decide you’re able to have the conversation, be prepared for the person to become embarrassed or defensive.
Remain calm and offer a positive assurance that you’re speaking out of concern.
Define the problem as it affects other people and try to get the person to take ownership.
Then offer a suggestion that might alleviate the problem.
At the end of the conversation, offer a phrase of reconciliation and reiterate that you care about the person and that’s why you’re speaking to him or her about it.
How to Deal with a Personal Space Invader
If you back up, space invaders may realize they’re too close.
If someone pats your hand, slowly pulling back your hand will send a message that the touch is unwanted.
Similarly, if someone puts an arm around you or hugs you, backing away will send a clear message.
If these measures don’t work and the person continually invades your space, you’ll either have to accept the proximity or speak up.
If you decide to speak up, taking responsibility for the discomfort may be the best tactic to use in getting your point across and not embarrassing the person.
Define the problem as it affects you. Joking about your need for distance may alleviate any discomfort or embarrassment the other person may feel.
Offer a compromise and ask for agreement.
Be sure to end the conversation on a positive note, either by joking about your need for distance or, as Bob did, thanking the person for understanding.
How to Deal with a Slacker
Don’t be lulled into inaction because you like the slacker and want to believe it’s going to be okay.
Focus on the amount of work each team member is producing.
Don’t try to shame or goad a slacker into doing more work. These types are masters at evasion and aren’t easily shamed.
Speak to the slacker about the production inconsistencies.
Before you do, run through the likely conversation in your mind. Prepare yourself for the slacker not to take responsibility. This person isn’t easily changeable.
Stick to your guns, especially if you like the slacker. State that you appreciate your friendship but that you also value your working relationship.
Share concrete facts that support your claim.
Offer a compromise.
When the slacker takes the bait, even if reluctantly, jump on it. Thank the slacker for agreeing to your proposal.
Continue to monitor the situation to make sure the workload is evenly shared.
If it isn’t, it may be time to involve the boss.
How to Deal with a TMI’er
If someone you work with is sharing too much personal information, first try covering your ears and saying “TMI.” This often clues the person in to the problem.
You can try letting let the information go in one ear and out the other.
If that doesn’t work and you find it difficult to transition from that conversation back to work, then it’s time to talk to the person.
When planning your conversation, be extremely tactful and respectful because this person isn’t aware of giving way too much personal information.
The person may become embarrassed so offer words of understanding.
When the person understands that this behavior is a problem, your next step is to offer a solution by suggesting he or she refrain from telling too much.
End the conversation on a positive note to help the person over any embarrassment.
How to Deal with a Whiner
At first, ignore the whining. If the whiner gets no response from you, he or she may take the whining elsewhere.
But if ignoring it doesn’t work and the whining is getting to you, then do as Alex did and head the whiner off at the pass.
Respond to the complaint with a phrase of understanding.
Ask what they’re going to do about the problem. This sends the message that you’re expecting them to come up with a solution.
If the person doesn’t come up with a solution, explain the problems the whining causes for both of you.
Be prepared to offer a solution.
Most likely the whiner will back down, and when they do, quickly affirm the solution and offer a phrase of reconciliation.
How to Deal with a Wimp
Rather than telling the person he or she should change, take a different approach and ask the person if you can help them learn to be more assertive.
Guide them to understand why not being able to say no can create a problem.
In addition, explain that it’s a problem for you because it bothers you to see them taken advantage of. Then offer to teach some assertive phrases.
Assure the person the phrases work because they’ve worked for you.
Don’t overwhelm the person. Start with one example, and build from there.
Maintain the person’s self-esteem by acknowledging that learning to say no is difficult, but that it can be done.
#ads
Powerful Phrases for Challenging Situations with Your Boss
Once again follow the 5 step process.
Basic Rules When Confronting Your Boss
Only approach your boss when you feel certain that you’ll be able to maintain your confidence and assertiveness throughout the conversation.
When speaking to your boss, use positive and constructive language.
Always remain calm, no matter how your boss speaks to you.
Always treat your boss with respect.
No matter what happens during the conversation, never insult your boss or other members of upper management.
Clearly state the facts when telling your boss what’s bothering you and how it made you feel.
Be prepared to share examples.
Offer your compromise and focus on how you can work together to solve the problem.
If you feel it’s impossible to have a productive conversation with your boss, speak to someone else who can provide guidance about how to deal with the problem.
Don’t ever burn your bridges; you never know when you’ll have to cross one again.
How to Deal with an Abusive Boss
If your boss is normally a reasonable person who recently said something to you that was abusive, think about what may have caused your boss to behave badly. Is your boss under a lot of pressure? Did something happen recently that could affect your boss’s attitude? It could be a personal problem or perhaps your boss’s boss has said something that caused him or her to behave badly. So think before speaking up. You may decide to let it go, but if it continues to happen speak up. Doing so may give your boss a much needed sounding board.
It’s always best to speak up when the abuse happens, as Brandon did, but first take the time to think how to handle the discussion.
Speak in specifics, and cite an example of the abusive behaviour. Then state how it made you feel.
If customers were within earshot, it will make your case stronger to let the boss know that the behaviour likely made the customers feel ill at ease.
An abusive boss isn’t likely to back down immediately, so when you define the problem don’t expect an empathetic comment.
Offer your best solution by explaining your compromise in very specific terms. State exactly how you want similar situations to be handled going forward.
When you speak with confidence and state your case assertively, your boss is more apt to agree with your request.
If the same behaviour happens again, calmly remind your boss of the agreement you had reached.
If you continue to accept abuse, that’s the best you can hope to receive.
How to Deal with a Controlling Boss
Do your best to ignore the controlling behaviours and focus on doing the best job you can.
If your boss continually displays a behaviour that affects your ability to complete your work or is giving you a negative attitude, then talk to him or her.
Speak respectfully when you define the problem. Like Jessica, it’ll be to your advantage to take a problem-solving approach rather than sounding as though you’re complaining.
Explain specifically the problem you’re having. Take responsibility that you’re the one with the problem, not the boss.
Then offer a compromise for how you’d like the situation to be handled going forward.
Gain the boss’s agreement and offer phrases of resolution and reconciliation.
Then go back to doing the best job you can.
How to Deal with an Egotistical Boss
Try to ignore the egotism and concentrate on doing your best.
Showcase your achievements whenever there’s an opportunity. Send an email, speak up during a meeting, or meet with your boss to discuss your accomplishments. While you might not feel comfortable shining the spotlight on yourself, it’s in your best interest to take credit because your boss isn’t likely to give you any.
If you do decide to speak up, as Rachel and her team did, stroking your boss’s ego a little may increase receptivity to the rest of the conversation.
Make sure you clearly describe the behaviour and how you felt.
Don’t expect your boss to suddenly understand or acknowledge the problem. If necessary, move into defining the problem, as that should enhance understanding. Then, you can state your compromise and work toward a resolution.
Understand that your boss isn’t likely to change her ways. The best you can hope for is that she listened and will change her method of communicating with you and your team going forward.
How to Deal with an Incompetent Boss
Whether it’s a new hire or a seasoned veteran who’s just plain incapable of performing well, try to adapt to the situation by doing the best job you can.
Learn to look at the bright side of working for someone who’s incompetent: you’ll become more independent and self-reliant. You’re developing an important skill set when you begin making decisions rather than relying on your boss.
No matter how you feel about your incompetent boss, never complain about the situation.
Look for teaching opportunities that will help your boss.
Show that you want to help. You’ll gain your boss’s trust and are likely to be treated more as a confidant than an employee.
If your boss makes a poor decision that affects you, speak up, explain how the decision affects you, and politely suggest that you’d like to be included in making these types of decisions.
There’s no guarantee that your boss will be open to that idea, but you’ll get your point across about how the decision affected you.
Always focus on doing your best job no matter the circumstances under which you work.
How to Deal with an Inconsistent Boss
Don’t take it personally! This type of boss is inconsistent with everyone, from their employees to their peers to their bosses. It’s not about you.
Just make sure that if your boss compliments you one day and criticizes you the next, that the criticism isn’t warranted.
If criticism isn’t warranted, remind your boss that yesterday he complimented you. Then ask him or her to tell you specifically what’s wrong with your work.
If this type of behaviour continues to occur, take your conversation a step further and enter into a conflict resolution discussion with your boss. Explain how the inconsistent behaviour and comments are confusing to you.
Ask your boss if he or she understands why it’s confusing to you and, then, define the problem you have with the inconsistent behaviour.
Offer a compromise and gain agreement.
Understand, though, that your resolution will most likely only last a short time.
Your boss’s inconsistent behaviour is apt to recur again.
How to Deal with a Micromanaging Boss
If your boss micromanages your work, try to determine if there’s a valid reason. Have you done something that caused your boss to lose trust in you?
Are you a new employee who hasn’t yet gained your boss’s confidence?
If you can think of a reason for your boss to feel the need to micromanage, work to gain his or her trust and confidence. It may take some time but the need to micromanage should abate as trust builds.
If you can’t think of a valid reason, try to show your boss that you’re doing the best job you can.
Demonstrate that you’re dependable.
Keep your boss in the loop about the work you’re doing.
Speak up about your achievements.
If you feel your boss will be receptive, ask to take on additional responsibilities.
If those measures don’t ease the micromanaging, then talk to your boss.
Explain how the behaviour makes you feel.
Ask your boss if you’ve done anything to cause that behaviour.
Define the problem you’re having with the micromanaging.
Offer a compromise and work toward a resolution to which you both can agree.
How to Deal with a Noncommunicative Boss
Rather than stewing or complaining, take a proactive approach. Try to open up the communication block by talking more.
If your boss doesn’t keep you informed about company matters, ask what’s going on.
If your boss doesn’t provide feedback, ask for it.
If your boss doesn’t hold regular meetings, ask for them.
If your boss assigns work to you, ask questions to make sure you fully understand the expectations.
Take it one step at a time and hopefully you’ll be able to teach your boss how to communicate better. If nothing else, you’ll make your needs known, as well as improve your own communication skills.
If all else fails, you’ll need to meet with your boss and explain the problems caused by the lack of communication.
Share specific examples, but don’t bombard your boss with too many. You’ll get your point across if you stick to one or two.
Offer a compromise and take joint responsibility for improving communication.
If, going forward, your boss falls back into old habits, gently remind him or her about your agreement.
How to Deal with a Passive Boss
You may not feel it’s your job to be your boss’s boss but you can help change that. Encourage him or her to become more proactive.
Rather than sitting by and allowing problems to continue, state very specifically what you need.
If another employee does something that affects your work, talk to your boss.
Speak assertively, say what happened, and explain how it affected you.
If your boss is likely to say something to pacify you rather than face the problem, don’t accept the boss’s response unless you’re confident he or she will follow through.
It may be in your best interest to offer to help, as Corey did.
Stay involved, and continue to speak up about what you need.
How to Deal with a Reactive Boss
Don’t allow yourself to be pulled onto the wild ride that they can take you on.
If it only happens occasionally and you’re able to comply without jeopardizing your work, just take a deep breath and don’t allow your anxiety to get the best of you.
Don’t get in the habit of constantly mollifying a boss who consistently displays a kneejerk response.
If you can figure out what triggers your boss’s overreaction, come up with a contingency plan for that scenario and present it to him or her. Show that you want to be part of the solution, and your boss is apt to listen to you.
When you tell your boss how the reactiveness affects you, it shouldn’t be too difficult to get him or her to understand your point of view.
Reactive bosses probably realize they’re this way and are likely to be open to your compromise about working together to come up with the best solutions.
How to Deal with an Unethical Boss
If you’re aware of your boss’s lack of ethics but what he or she is doing doesn’t affect you, think before deciding how to proceed.
If you decide to ignore it, stay away from your boss as much as possible. You don’t want to give others the impression that you associate with or support this person. Just do your job to the best of your ability.
If you decide to take it to a higher authority, make sure you have good documentation.
If your boss directly involves you by asking you to do something you know is unethical, say no.
Explain why you’re not able to perform the task.
If your boss doesn’t give you a choice, confront him or her and state clearly why you don’t feel comfortable.
If your boss doesn’t back down, send an email documenting your conversation.
In essence, you want to state specifically what your boss has ordered you to do and why you disagree.
This may cover you in the event that someone else finds out. Of course, you may have some explaining to do as to why you didn’t report the incident but you should be able to defend yourself against that claim. After all, if you’re ordered to complete a task, you really don’t have much choice but to comply.
Always document every conversation, print any written emails or other material that will back up your claim, and keep your file in a safe place.
Powerful Phrases for Situations You Cause
Step 1: Think First
Focus on listening carefully without interrupting. Allow the person to get it all out.
When you’re listening, don’t react. Keep your facial expressions neutral, and don’t show anger or shock. Keep your demeanor relaxed, and refrain from crossing your arms or tensing your body.
Don’t become defensive.
Stay calm and composed, as this will help you process the information logically.
Pause before responding.
Always think before you speak. Assess the feedback and plan your response.
Decide how to respond, focusing on following the five-step process.
Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding
Tell the person you appreciate the feedback, no matter how it was delivered.
Ask open-ended questions if you need to gather more information.
Ask closed-ended questions to clarify the information and clear up misunderstandings.
Remain objective when asking and answering questions.
Before you attempt to define the problem, offer a phrase of apology if you feel it’s warranted. Saying something like: “I’m sorry this happened,” (apology) doesn’t mean you’re taking the blame for the problem. Rather, it shows that you regret the problem.
If you need time to think about the best way to respond, say so. Tell the person you’d like to think about it and discuss it later.
Step 3: Define the Problem
Recap the other person’s concerns: “I understand that you feel that….” This defines and clarifies the problem from the other person’s viewpoint.
Define the problem from your vantage point.
If, after assessing the feedback as correct, state an agreement: “After thinking about it, I agree with you.”
If you agree, but want to provide additional information, say: “Here’s the reason why.”
If, after assessing the feedback as incorrect, state your view: “I appreciate what you’re saying, but I have to disagree.”
Offer a phrase of compromise: “Let’s talk about it.”
Maintain concern in your facial expression, and speak slowly and calmly.
Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution
As soon as you agree on the definition of the problem, offer your best solution.
In the event that the other person offers a solution first, quickly analyze it.
If you agree to it, say so. Otherwise, offer a compromise.
Remain flexible while negotiating the resolution.
Show that you’re willing to cooperate by discussing alternatives to the proposed solution.
Stay on track with the discussion. If the conversation begins to backtrack, bring it back to solving the problem. You already agreed on the definition so there is no need to rehash that part of the dialogue.
If you’re not able to resolve the issue, you may have to agree to disagree.
Step 5: Agree on the Resolution
After you agree on the solution, offer a phrase of resolution.
Follow that with a phrase of reconciliation.
If you were unable to agree, offer a phrase of resolution suggesting that you agree to disagree and let go of the issue.
Follow with a phrase of reconciliation stating that you want to move forward without letting this situation come between you.
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
Introduction
PART 1 – Powerful Phrases + Actions = Successful Work Relationships
1 Communicating Powerful Phrases
Resolving Conflict: The Wrong Way
Why This Doesn’t Work
Begin with “I” Phrases
Phrases of Understanding
Phrases of Apology
Phrases of Compromise
Phrases of Resolution
Phrases of Reconciliation
Resolving Conflict: The Right Way
Why This Works
2 Actions That Enhance Powerful Phrases
Resolving Conflict: The Wrong Way
Why This Doesn’t Work
Body Language
Facial Expressions
Tone of Voice
Assertiveness
Resolving Conflict: The Right Way
Why This Works
PART 2 – Effective Conflict Resolution = Strengthened Work Relationships
3 Five Steps to Effective Conflict Resolution
Resolving Conflict: The Wrong Way
Why This Doesn’t Work
Step 1: Think First
Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding
Step 3: Define the Problem
Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution
Step 5: Agree on the Resolution
Resolving Conflict: The Right Way
Why This Works
4 Powerful Phrases for Challenging Coworker Situations
Basic Rules When Confronting a Coworker
How to Deal with a Backstabber
How to Deal with a Brownnoser
How to Deal with a Bully
How to Deal with a Credit Taker
How to Deal with a Criticizer
How to Deal with an Ethics Violator
How to Deal with an Excessive Emailer
How to Deal with a Gossipmonger
How to Deal with a Know-It-All
How to Deal with a Late-Nick
How to Deal with a Loudmouth
How to Deal with a Meeting Monopolizer
How to Deal with a Mistake Maker
How to Deal with a Negative Nelly
How to Deal with a Personal Hygiene Offender
How to Deal with a Personal Space Invader
How to Deal with a Slacker
How to Deal with a TMI’er
How to Deal with a Whiner
How to Deal with a Wimp
5 Powerful Phrases for Challenging Situations with Your Boss
Basic Rules When Confronting Your Boss
How to Deal with an Abusive Boss
How to Deal with a Controlling Boss
How to Deal with an Egotistical Boss
How to Deal with an Incompetent Boss
How to Deal with an Inconsistent Boss
How to Deal with a Micromanaging Boss
How to Deal with a Noncommunicative Boss
How to Deal with a Passive Boss
How to Deal with a Reactive Boss
How to Deal with an Unethical Boss
6 Powerful Phrases for Situations You Cause
Resolving Conflict: The Wrong Way
Why This Doesn’t Work
Step 1: Think First
Step 2: Gain a Better Understanding
Step 3: Define the Problem
Step 4: Offer Your Best Solution
Step 5: Agree on the Resolution
Resolving Conflict: The Right Way
Why This Works
About the Author
More links
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project
Difficult ConversationsI have tried to keep the notes as neat as possible. You can find another great summary here […]
The Speaker Listener Technique to Talk Without Fighting
Rules
Rules for the speaker - Speak for yourself, don't mindread! - Keep statements brief. Don't go on and on. - Stop to let the listener paraphrase.
Rules for the Listener - […]
A Friendly Reminder Not To Argue With People You Don’t Know (Especially on the Internet)
Update: NEVER get into it with a profile that doesn't have a face or a real life. It's most probably a bot/troll that has been configured to spread fake news, mimic human behaviour and […]
Fix the Way You Argue in a Relationship
Source: Your Brain Works Against You When You Argue With Your Significant Other. Here’s How to Fix That, According to an Expert
Quick Tips:- Rethink blaming. Don't see your […]
