The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (Summary) by Gary Chapman

Notes
– Forms of love in the gross English language.
– Emotional need of love especially for kids but also as long as we live.
– We need love to live.
– Everyone has little be tanks that need filling (similar to the account).
– Using actors to give examples.

1 – Words of affirmation
– Use words of affirmation wow you look good, thanks for doing the washing.
– Also use encouraging words that build courage e.g. you write so well, I understand clearly it’s colourful you should get it published.
– Make requests of your desires and not demands that way you will teach your partner how to love you better.
– Tell others and affirm how awesome they are in front of others and NOT do the opposite especially on social media to make your partner look bad. That will not be good as you’ll show the world exactly what kind of partner you are and how good your choices are too.
– When getting a compliment just say thank you for the compliment.

2 – Quality time
– Switch things off and go for a walk or just be with each other. You give part of your life to the other person.
– Give them your full attention and do what they enjoy doing.
– If you don’t give them the love they want in the way they want it, their love tank will be empty.
– When you’re playing ball with your child but at the same time on the phone or watching a screen your attention is diluted.
– Spend time together in a common pursuit.
– Quality conversation is different, it focuses on what we are hearing.
– Listen for feeling, ask what emotion your spouse is feeling and confirm with them, observe body language.
– Ask yourself what emotions have you felt in the day.

3 – Receiving gifts
– Make a list of gifts they’d like.
– In old cultures gift giving was an important part of intimacy.
– The most powerful gift you can give is physical presence.

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4 – Acts of service
– Doing things you know your spouse would like you to do.
– Cooking, cleaning, house work, keeping things working, etc.
– They require thought, planning, time and energy.
– Learning each others specific dialect in acts of service will fill your partners love tank.

5 – Physical touch
– Touching is not localised to just the erotic areas.
– Not all touches are created equal so see which ones will make them feel love.
– The way you think they want the touch will not fill their tank. The best way to know is to see how they touch you when they’re giving affection. Have they told you that they like it when you stroke their legs more than their hands? Have they told you they like your face buried inside the curve of their back, neck or chest? That’s will fill their tanks.

If your primary love language is used in the opposite way by your partner it will hurt you more deeply than others. What you’ve most requested of your spouse will give you a clue. E.g. have you repeated that you don’t like your spouse making you look like you don’t do anything, then words of affirmation would be your primary love language.

3 Questions
– What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
– What have you most requested of your spouse? That is what will make you feel most love.
– In what way do you reguralry express love to your spouse? This is an indication what makes you feel most loved.

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– You could have 2 love languages. You may need words of affirmation and you also feel less love when they cut you off physically.

Write what you think would be your primary love languages. Talk to each other about them. Play tank check 3 times a week. On a scale of 0 to 10 how is your love tank? Ask what you can do to fill it.

– People start seeking love outside the relationship once they use the ‘not loving them anymore’ excuse.

– Couples have been having issues of not feeling loved for years because they didn’t understand each others languages.

– Children have love languages too. If they hug you/mess up your hair lots it’s touch, if they’re often making presents it’s because it’s receiving gifts, if they’re always trying to help a sibling it’s acts of service, if they keep telling people what a good job they’re doing it’s words of affirmation. They’re doing that which gets their own emotional needs met. If these are met they grow up to be responsible adults and if they don’t they may end up seeking love in inappropriate places or being resentful to the parent. All sexual misconduct in adolescents is because of not getting love in their language according to a certain doctor. Try meet their emotional need for the love. As they get older we end up condemning the child for their failure instead of praising their good deeds. Do what your child does and then inspire him to do better from there. If he plays on the floor don’t sit on the computer, start on the floor.

Contents
Ch 1-What Happens To Love After The Wedding
Ch 2-Keeping The Love Tank Full
Ch 3-Falling In Love
Ch 4-Love Language -1-Words Of Affirmation
Ch 5-Love Language -2-Quality Time
Ch 6-Love Language -3-Receiving Gifts
Ch 7-Love Language -4-Acts Of Service
Ch 8-Love Language -5-Physical Touch
Ch 9-Discovering Your Primary Love Language
Ch 10-Love Is A Choice
Ch 11-Love Makes The Difference
Ch 12-Loving The Unlovely
Ch 13-Children And Love Languages
Ch 14-A Personal Word

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