How Men Can Manage Risk in Dating and Marriage – Shawn Smith (Podcast with Summary)

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– If marriage or dating is done right life is just better for men on the whole.

– What they learn from their parents about relationships is what they repeat.

– Biggest mistake is letting a relationship progress unintentionally. Frog in boiling water. Most people cohabitation said that ‘it just happened’.

– Script humans follow to find a mate. Men size up women on looks and then goodness of fit. Women look at provisioning and then goodness of fit. Best way for men is to find the best looking one in the pool of the best fit for you first. Paras note: I’m very skeptical on ‘good looks’ and don’t understand the connection when it comes to love and long term relationships.

– Things to consider – Values/Purpose. Behaviour with people, community, etc. How you both see money, sex, etc.

– Best tactical strategy is to date a woman for a long time and not hiding who you are. The honeymoon period is when serotonin is different from 9 to 18 months. Better not to make crucial long term decisions then. Get past the honeymoon period and when they’re not on the pedestal anymore.

– If values are not lined up it’s fine but conflicting values will be an issue.

– When women say the man changed, they mean he stopped doing romantic things and what he used to do. Which they do in the start. Women still want a man… strength, protectiveness, etc.

– Men need to keep the balance of keeping everybody happy, sticking to all commitments and not just dedicating his life to wife. Happy wife, happy life is the worst advice. (Youtube: Patrice Oneal – Prioritise your happiness). You don’t have to be an asshole and you don’t have to be a nice guy.

– Figure out what you value, go after it and find someone who fits this.

– Bright triad – clarity (just because women communicate more doesn’t mean they’re better communicators), stability, maturity.

– For every woman that is depressed there is a man abusing substances and women are catching up with the substance abuse.

– Personality disorders to look out for and giving your partner with issues a choice.

– Peoples values change over time. Try to stick it through and find a way, have the conversation.

5 Non-negotiable Skills to look for
1 – Insight (her knowing what makes her tick),
2 – Intellectual nuance (I love you but I’m angry with you right now),
3 – Resilience (ability to handle life),
4 – Internalisation (ability to take responsibility of the reality she’s creating for herself),
5 – Self-maintenance (taking care of herself, health, etc).

Another important post to read is – 2 Basic Traits of Lasting Relationships (Studied Over Decades) – Dr. John Gottman

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