THE ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

(1996 Santa Monica, California)
One of the aspects that make human life very distinct from other species is relations. Animals have no problems with relationship. (Laughter) They don’t go for any counseling. Not that tribal society has any problem with relationship. The more advance we are the more we are facing the challenge of relationship. There is a deep urge in every human to get connected. This urge sets one to look for a relationship. It sets us up to go in circles. Once you have a relationship, you want that to last forever. When you hear some saying ‘I love you very much’ you ask them will you love me forever. We want that love to be forever, all the time. This moment someone is in love with you or in you’re in love with someone… that is not sufficient, you want this to continue forever. Will you love me forever? Or you say I love you forever. Lifetime, till my last breath! I don’t know what the words you use. (Laughter) But we want the love to be forever. We’re not satisfied for that to be right now, here, that is enough. No. Also we would like that to be connected to the past, in the previous birth maybe you were my soul mate. I’m sure we had such a deep connection from the past. We want that connection to be deep and we aspire for that to last for eternity. This very tendency in our relationship indicates something deeper. It shows the urge is coming not from a mental level, but from some unknown corner, which we have not fathomed. So what if someone was related to you in the past, what is the need that they should be in the future too? So what if you were together in the past? Must have to make up for some mistakes? (Laughter)

But when things are nice and fine you think things have ever been that way. Or always you have been in love. When things go wrong we think we are never together. Even after 20 years you feel or find suddenly that we were never together but why did you stay for 20 years together? Just look at this. If our relationship is based on the need, personal need, it is not going to last very long. Once the need is fulfilled on a physical level, emotional level, the mind will look for something else, somewhere else. If the relationship is from the level of sharing, then it can last longer. Say if you know how to row a boat, you can row any boat. If you don’t know how to row a boat, by changing the boat… (Laughter) Changing the relationship does not solve the issue of relationship. Sooner or later you will be in the same situation in any relationship. We have to look somewhere else, deep within us from where we start relating. What is our relationship to us, first of all, lets us (???) on that. Who are you to yourself? You know often you think, oh I’m single I’m so bored being by myself so I need a companion, I need a relationship. You are so bored by your own company. How much boring you must be for someone else? (Mad laughs) And two people bored with themselves, getting together, they bore each other.

You know love and boredom has something in common? What is it? Come on, what is it? (Laughs) Repetition! Go on repeating something again and again you get bored, when you’re in love you go on repeating the same thing. Lovers say 1000 times I love you so much, you’re so beautiful. Say once, that’s enough! (Laughter) Lovers seem to have lost it. When you are in love what you speak does not mean much at all. Many do not even know what they are speaking. You know, have you ever seen this, you go in to the college/hostels, someone is in love with someone, and they write their name all over… graffiti. All over the place, books, everywhere, SHOES! (Paras note: hehehe reminiscing when the teachers blasted me in form 3). And their rooms and homes is not sufficient enough, they go write in the trains, metro, bus stops. Repetition. And spiritual practice is also a repetition. You know having a rosary, chanting the name of God, doing something.

First it creates such boredom. It brings the boredom in you. When you sustain that boredom, not just drop it and run away, the spring of love gets opened. When you realize you are source of love, you the giving end not the receiving end. Only and only then can your relationship blossom. Nature of relationship always changes. Here I’m using the word relationship in a broader sense, in its true sense. In the relatedness.

See when you were a child how much love you had for your parents and friends, toys. And as you grow older and see how the love from the toys and candy shifted on to friends and from friends it shifted. And when you become parents see how much your love is there for your children as compared to the love for your parents. Parents care several times more for their kids than their own parents. Coz their attention, their love is shifted from elders to the young one. The same happens in relationship, the moment there is a child in the family, there is a shift in the relationship between husband and wife too. When you’re looking for security, love, comfort from your partner, you become weak. You are in the receiving end and when you are weak, then all the negative emotions come in you. The demand comes in you. Demand destroys love. (Anjuli) If we just know this one thing, we would save our love from getting rotten. And the word is very good ‘fall in love’. (Guruji laughs) I say don’t fall in love rise in love.

Its that limited awareness of ourselves, limited experience of love. Capsules you in a tiny, tight compartment where you start suffocating. And you want freedom in life. Love could be suffocating if there is no depth. And that’s what we see today, so many people fall in love and then they fall apart. Isn’t it? We cant even handle what we are asking for, what we desire, what we want, coz we have never probed into the depth of our own psyche, our own mind, our own consciousness. In love you want to merge in the other, you cannot bear the separated-ness. That’s why often lovers want to know everything about the one whom they love. They cant tolerate any secrets coz secrets means distance. Isn’t it? Are you all here? Love cannot tolerate the distance.

There are 3 aspects in relationship. 1 – attraction on the physical level, 2 – love on the mental level, 3 – and connection or devotion on the spiritual level. See our feelings and emotions change all the time.

Doesn’t it? You feel good about something and then a little later you feel bad about the same thing. What’s the big deal about our feelings. People often say follow your feelings, I tell you never follow your feelings. (Laughter) You’ll be ruined if you follow your feelings. Feelings change all the time, you feel good and bad about the same thing. Follow your commitment, your wisdom, you’ll be much better off. See what I’m saying? Any student who goes to a medical college. The first year or second years, they really feel so frustrated, they want to just quit medicine and go to something else maybe arts music or something else. Often you feel like that, don’t you? You take a long career or studies. But if they simply follow their feelings they would not get into any profession. Coz nothing can maintain the charm for a long time. If you’re very sharp, nothing is charming. Person who is dumb can get on with anything, but if you are very alert everything seems to be moving away from charm very fast. That’s one of the signs of intelligence. And you’ve deep roots and broad vision of life, then I tell you, every moment is full of charm. Everything is beautiful in the world. That’s when you never get bored of yourself. This is the ultimate relationship, when you could relate to yourself 100%. Then any face you look, there is love, there is charm, there is beauty. Then you come from the space of contributing, what I can do for you? How I can make your life better. And if each partner comes from this space of ‘what I can do for you’. That is the ultimate relationship. We don’t have to sit and wait for some soul mate to come for us. You know people often ask me, when will I meet my soul mate. You can dial and ask psychics and they’ll say oh your soul mate is coming. Soul mate. I tell you, you can never meet your soul mate unless you meet your soul. You haven’t met your own soul how can you meet your soul mate? (Laughter) When we see who we are, you know?

We are not our emotions, we are not our feelings, we are not our thoughts, we are not our concepts. The ‘who are we?’ This very inquiry, is very awakening within us, takes us away from all the shackles of condition. In such an atmosphere, such a presence of yours the other person will change however they are. There’s a great expectation in every relationship that the other person should change. We never think about we should change, isn’t that?… Better change! (Laughter) You’re not the same person! I don’t know what has happened to you. Often goes like that. I think these days you’re a little stressed. I think better you do something. What is the matter? See the urge in us is not just love but also respect. The greatest fear in any relationship is losing respect. Respect demands some distance, love cannot tolerate distance. This is the basic conflict in all the relationships. And when you are not centered, and when you have no depth within you, when you are shallow, how can you gain respect. There is fear of losing respect. (Anjuli) The more someone comes close to you, they come to know about your fear, and your anxiety, and your small mindedness, then you are afraid oh I may lose my respect. And you definitely lose your respect. Once respect is lost, even love is not tasty.

Have you taken some time for yourself? To cleanse this system of all this negativity, negative emotions. Have you taken some time off to find the source from where we have come up and where we will be going back? Don’t think you’ll be here forever. When someone dies you say oh poor man died, oh poor person, oh God has been so merciless. But we never get the idea we are also going to go one day. In another 50-60 years none of us will be here, where will you go? Where did you come from? What is your relation with this cosmos, what is your relationship with people around us? Pondering on this, understanding the emotions, your thoughts, your own body, your breath, you mind, your needs, your capabilities. Your own beauty! You’ll come out of fear and once the fear is out from life, respect will stay forever. The more closer your partner comes or anyone who comes near to you, the more they respect you. And it’s not just an idealistic thing, ‘ok oh its nice to hear about this but it’s not practical’. Its not so. It’s very practical. You can see this happening in your own life. Just take one week off every year to recharge your batteries. And from time to time keep a little distance from whosoever, so very close to you. Take a little time for your own space and go deep into yourself, dig deep. You are an ocean, so much wealth deep inside you. So much beauty.

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You have so much love that you can offer and your mind is so much more powerful. Can create the situation that you would like to be around you. That is the ultimate relationship. And its beyond time because you are timeless. Time and mind are synonymous, time is nothing but the distance between 2 events. 2 happenings. Love is not happening, love is being. Love is not an act, it is existence. Love is not emotion, it’s your very nature. Feelings change, thoughts change, ideas change, bodies undergoing changes all the time. But the thirst deep within us is for something that is not changing, that is eternal, that is always, that is the same. That’s why these phrases or expressions we use when we are in love. I want to be like this forever. Coz love takes you beyond time. When you are in love you don’t notice time. You feel its only 5 minutes you might have spent 5 hours. And meditation is not just sitting and having a boring thing to do or sitting and daydreaming or dozing off. Meditation is that process of dwelling deep into that area of yourself that is love. Just one thing if we can start doing right from today. That coming from a space of contributing, giving. Your relationship will start flourishing. Giving what, is it giving money, or giving time or giving this or that. Say, it’s keeping the patience and creating the awareness. Then you can row any boat. Of course if the boat has a hole you need to change the boat. (Laughter) You have any questions?

People normally ask questions after the knowledge sessions and Guruji answers aptly.

Tell us about the relationship with God.
– See God is referred in 3 persons. He, You and I. The first, second and third person. Most people are happy addressing God in 3rd person coz its very safe. There is no relationship at all… HIM. Somewhere in the clouds. He, She, somewhere else no? Third person. It’s a way you can escape from being in touch with the reality. Seeing God in the person next to you, seeing you as God as good. Seeing everyone around you as God. Addressing ‘you’, that is more difficult. How can you say you are God? Then you may punish me or I’ll have to listen to whatever you say. (Laughter) How you could be God? Not safe. And saying I am God, forget about it, impossible. Coz the moment I look at myself, so much imperfection. With all this imperfection how I could be God? Not possible. Better keep God in the 3rd person and live the life the way we live. Safer. This is the attitude. We are not connecting with the reality. There is no relationship with the divine. Relationship is what? Feeling no separation, I am you; you are me. You are part of me I am part of you. If someone who is part of you is insulted you feel as though you are insulted. Don’t you? If someone who is part of you is praised, you feel happy as thought you are praised. In 3rd person how can this happen? Him. That’s why Jesus said, if you have to go to my father, you have to go through me, there is no other way, coz I’m right in front of you. You cannot love me, you think you will love the 3rd person? And this is what Buddha said and all the enlightened masters said. If you have to go to God you have to go through Master. Coz master is the second person, he is the link between the 3rd person and the 1st person. And coming to the master he’ll make you realize that divine is within you. You are within God and God is within you. And this can happen when the stresses, tension, worries, anxieties are all lifted off from the mind. Mind is that cover that is holding the divinity within us. Once that wrapping paper is unwrapped you will find oh this beautiful gift is here within us. You know its like everyone has been giving a Christmas package, beautiful package and they leave with the beautiful gift without even opening it. Do you know what I’m saying? Suppose a set of gifts are bought and given to everyone and they’re all like ‘beautiful gift’ and they’re holding the wrapping papers. They’re happy just looking at the wrapping papers. Pass the wrapping paper. All the charm and joy in the world is just a wrapping paper. Colorful and beautiful, glittery designs. You know they have very beautiful wrapping paper these days. (Laughter). So relationship with god is moving form the 3rd person to the 1st person.

What would you recommend for a woman. To be more specific without definition would you talk about love and giving from a woman’s side?
– You know a woman can give a lot of wisdom. And if you can make someone wise there is nothing like that. When I say giving I don’t just mean serving in the material sense, you also contribute in someone’s growth, mental, emotional growth. You know something? You are made up of both your father and mother. So within you have both the characteristics of mother and father, male and female. There are many men how have motherly qualities in them, feminine qualities in them. And there are many women who have more male qualities in them. Love is beyond the qualities. Love is beyond male and female. It is not just related to body or emotions. It is something that transcends all these identifications.

When you learn unconditional love. How do you know when you find out one person. How do you know you love that one person as special?
– (Smugly) I don’t know (laughter). To me everyone looks special.

What is your feeling on a human being having total total love for more than one human being in a total physical manner and spiritual manner. Expressing it both ways?
– See when an attraction becomes a little difficult to attain. Then love begins to happen more. And when it becomes a little difficult to capture love, possess love then devotion starts happening. Just reflect on this, it will say a lot. Think about it. You know the sign of enlightenment is no complains and no explanations. (Laughter)

There are times I have an incredible relationship with my ‘self’ and I feel and everything I do is full of love and joy. And there are times I’ve fallen off the track or the road. And as much as I pray to get back on track, I cant. So my question is when you find yourself having a hard time getting back on track, what are some of the way that you would suggest to keep focused?
– On the path to higher self you may experience many experiences. You may come across many nice, flashy, beautiful experiences. But when you have really come in touch with this higher self you can never lose it. It’s never lost from you. Its like once you have learnt the alphabet you don’t forget it. In the same sense, one glimpse of your true nature, you can’t lose it. But I understand on the path several times you feel that way, for that alone you need to say, again and again, at least once a year. Once in 6 months. You need to go into deeper meditation and cleansing. When I say cleansing, both attending to body, breath, mind, intellect and reflecting on that. See I have been giving these talks for many years, almost 20-25 years. I say, ok talk people enjoy, they listen, oh it was very nice. But go back and go back and be with the same emotions, same feeling, same world. Then thought I could put up some very important techniques together so that people can learn and use it whenever they need it. Like if you were upset, you don’t have to wait for several days for that negative emotion to leave you. That’s what we normally do. Isn’t it? We’re upset over a phonecall or somebody said something to us. Then we carry that negativity with us for several days. Even months and weeks. Then gradually it diminishes. Instead of that if you attend to your breath it takes you right back to yourself. That’s why the Kriya has helped thousands and thousands around the world. It lifts that negative emotion, fleeting emotions. And again reconnects you back to yourself. So its invaluable I tell you. And once in a year or once in 6 months taking 4-5 days off, aligning ourselves with the nature. Coz the more close you are with the nature the more innocence in you comes forth. You know watch the stars, with the birds, with the sea, doing your excerses/yoga/meditaion. Recharging of your batteries happen. On seven levels. This advance courses are meant to tap you into these 7 layers of your own existence. Body, breath, mind, intellect, memory, ego and the self. So the 7 layers of our existence, if we just polish them a little bit takes us a long way. And it makes life a celebration. So much laughter, so much joy.

Panditji, we hear talk about people developing both sides of their feminine and masculine but I don’t see a lot of evidence of that. Is that a problem in today’s relationship? Both people are steadfast in their gender and not adopting the strengths and abilities of the co-gender?
– At different times they manifest. Now need not be at the same time. When you are saying this, see if you have also considered the time factor. Have you taken time into consideration? When you say that the male and female aspect is not enriched enough, have you taken the time factor also. Or you are viewing the situation with a limited framework of time.

Are we getting to that balance?
– This can happen when we transcend our identity as just being a male or female. We’re not just a lump of flesh. We are a glow of light. When we realize this then both aspects in us develop simultaneously.

What is the relationship with breathing techniques and meditation?
– See breath is the link between body and mind. Sometimes in meditation you sit and simply thoughts are coming, they’re flooding into you mind, you think you’re meditating but you are daydreaming. But breath is in the present moment, mind goes to the past of future. Breath can never go to the past or future. Body is in the present moment, breath is in the present moment. And the mind aligns itself with the body and breath it comes to the moment, then meditation becomes deeper and more fulfilling.

Some question about heaven and earth and getting spaced out instead of meditation mumbo jumbo that I couldn’t hear.
– Engaging yourself in service projects will do the job. See meditation is finding God within yourself and love is seeing God in the person next to you. So they compliment each other. Not feeling that you’re too special because you’re meditating, but you’re part of everyone in the planet. You see what I’m saying. See the knot/everyone as part of you, as belonging to you. Then you well be grounded and then you can be spaced in and not spaced out. (Applause)

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